Wedding Season is the Fifth Season

I love weddings.

They're probably my favorite social event of the season,

Which is great, because right now they seem to be the only social events that are going on.

I love the flowers,

And the music,

And the dancing, ( oh, how I love that dancing!)

And the cake,

But, if you catch me on a real sappy day, I'll tell you that cliche, girly statement-

My favorite moment of a wedding is watching the groom, as the bride comes down the aisle.

I know, you've heard it before.

Anyone that's seen " The Wedding Planner" starring JLo knew that was coming.

But, it wasn't until tonight that I understood why I felt that way.

When you watch a groom as their bride comes down the aisle, his face takes on a dozen emotions at once.

Happiness.

Delight.

Overwhelmed.

Overjoyed.

Excited.

And stunned by the sheer beauty that is walking directly towards him.

Every woman desires for someone to look at them that way.

As if they, in that moment, are the most radiant thing that anyone had ever laid eyes on.

This is why that moment is so universally loved by all people of the female gender.

This moment, is what our hearts ache for.

But tonight, I realized that this moment is not something I have to look forward to.

It's something I already have.

In Isaiah 62:5 we are told,

"As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you."

Wow.

At this very moment, in my oversized flannel and pajama shorts, my God is rejoicing over my radiance.

On the days when I eat too much and have to wear my fat jeans, my God is rejoicing over my loveliness.

When my hair is dirty, I haven't showered, and my eyebrows are beginning to resemble caterpillars, my God is rejoicing. And all He is feeling is

Happiness.

Delight.

Overwhelmed.

Overjoyed.

Excited.

And stunned by my sheer beauty.

I am rejoiced over by my God.

And that is something worth dancing about.

And, if you need a visual reminder of how much your God loves you, look at these pictures and remember,

The way God rejoices over you,

Everyday,

Even when you're at your worst,

Blows these pictures out of the water.

For Such A Time As This

I'm going to warn you ahead of time.

This blog will be painfully honest.

Almost so much so that I want to close my iPad right now,

Curl up in my bed,

Turn on some Criminal Minds,

And forget that God ever laid this on my heart.

This will probably be as close to opening up my prayer journal and reading it aloud as I'll ever get.

But, I'm working on this whole intimacy thing.

And what's more intimate then sharing your deep thoughts with the World Wide Web?

All I can do, at this point, is pray that my honesty will allow The Lord to work in someone's life, in some way.

Because heaven knows I would not be writing this if it hasn't been laid on my heart so heavily.

I think every single woman has those thoughts.

You know the ones.

The ones that manages to take every shred of your singleness and lay the blame squarely upon your own shoulders.

If I looked different, I'd probably be dating someone.

If I was as pretty as her, this whole dating thing would be easier.

If I just, well, wasn't me, I'd probably be married by now.

But of course, we don't tell people that.

We don't dare share those thoughts aloud.

Because clearly, we are the only one who have these thoughts.

Instead, we mask our insecurities in cleverly veiled disguises like,

I'm ready to date, I just haven't met the right person.

All the good guys are taken.

I like being single. I don't have to think about anyone else.

And sure, that may be true for some people,

But there is some God given desire placed down at the bottom of a women's heart to be cherished,

And loved,

And wooed,

And pursued

By a man.

And when no man is cherishing,

And loving

And wooing

And pursuing,

Our fragile hearts tend to fold,

And we have to think

It must be something I'm doing.

Sure, this takes the whole feminist generation back a few steps,

But I believe it's true,

And I know it's something I've been struggling with.

Looking in the mirror and not feeling like enough.

Looking at a man, and not thinking you're worthy of their attention.

Hiding yourself in food,

Or working out,

Or work,

To over compensate, to prove that there is nothing in your life missing.

When really, all you can think is-

When will that person come into my life?

When will I be pursued like I desire to be?

Why isn't anyone showing me any sort of romantic attention?

When will I finally be enough?

Honestly, as self confident as I am,

These seeds of doubt have taken root into my heart,

And it's taken everything inside of me to try and figure out a way to get rid of those fears,

And those anxieties,

And those insecurities.

And I'm still working on it.

But the only way I can think to change the way I view myself,

Is to turn the mirror around,

And try and see myself the way my Heavenly Father,

The Creator,

The Sustainer,

My Abba,

sees me.

I am chosen. ( 1 Peter 2:9)

Fearfully and wonderfully made. ( Psalm 139: 13-16)

Prosperous. ( Jeremiah 29:11)

Seen. ( 1 Samuel 16:7)

Dearly loved. ( Colossians 3:12)

Created in the image of God. ( Genesis 1:27)

Beautiful. (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

And while somedays,

Like today,

I might not look in the mirror and see all those things.

And while that desire to be loved, wooed and pursued may not diminish,

I'm trying to rest in the fact that the creator of Niagara Falls,

And the Grand Canyon,

And the Northern Lights,

And the Great Barrier Reef,

And every amazing creation man has ever laid eyes on,

Considers me more beautiful, and valuable, and lovely, then all of those wonders put together.

I'm trying to hang my hat on that fact.

Somedays it's not easy.

But I'm pretty sure the God that formed the whole world in 7 days isn't one to put people in their situations on accident.

So for now, I'm going to try and rest in the fact, knowing that I am here,

Single,

Not Dating,

Two things I'd rather not be,

Because God wants me this way,

"For such a time as this" ( Esther 4:14)

Jesus Could Have Been A Preschool Teacher

I think my favorite thing about Jesus, is that no matter where you look, he was followed by children.

I kind of imagine him as the Willy Wonka of Jerusalem.

Except not as creepy.

And none of the children that ever followed him around turned blue.

At every chance he got, Jesus seemed to take the time to make children feel loved,

and special,

and needed,

and important.

Think about how cool the boy with the bread loaves and the fish felt telling his buddies back at school that he was an integral part to feeding the 5,000.

And when I look back at think about Jesus, I have to think-

What kind of person do children always want to be around?

My guess is, that he laughed a lot,

smiled a lot,

told jokes,

tickled them,

gave them piggy back rides,

put them up on His shoulders,

played their games,

wiped away their tears,

held their hand when they were scared,

and protected them whenever he could.

I love to think of Jesus this way- so different from the staunch, serious face we often see in paintings.

If kids loved Jesus, Jesus loved fun.

And above all else, Jesus loved children.

I usually try not to use this blog for personal reasons. 

But this little boy I'm about to tell you about has just tugged at my heartstrings.

I think Ephraim and Jesus would get along just swell.

My brother and sister in law are part of a very small church in Roswell, Georgia, and through their time there, they have had the blessing of meeting a wonderful family, the Hardings. The Harding's are an amazing family, with a beautiful little boy name Ephraim, who was born with Chronic Renal Insufficiency  which basically means that Ephraim's kidney's have been in the process of shutting down since the day he was born.

 The Harding's are beginning the process to get Ephraim a transplant, but because of their current financial situation, are unable to cover much of the costs.

Because of his medical condition, the fact that Ephraim made it to be the age of four makes him one in 7 million.


But, the fact that Ephraim is Ephraim is enough to make him one in 70 million.

He loves to joke.

And play country music.

When an Atlanta Braves player told him he was cute, he simply responded with " I know".

He calls his hair his "white boy fro".

And even though his life his harder then many of ours will ever be,

at the end of the day, he's still a four year old at heart.

And I wanted to do something to help this wonderful family.

Anyone that knows me well, knows I love my jewelry.

And since I'm a little frugal, I recently learned to make my own bracelets.

And it's kind of become an obsession. 

Thus 4123 Bracelets was born! All funds from these bracelets are going directly to help fund his transplant, and I'm personally paying out of pocket for the beads ( or some have been donated by local stores).

I'm not asking for y'all to buy these bracelets.

Heck, I might not even know some of you.

But if you wouldn't mind sharing the word with your friends,

liking the facebook page,

and sharing it to all of your followers,

I would be immensely grateful.

Because, really.

Look at this face.

Can't you just tell how much Jesus loves this little boy?

Miss Independent

I like to think I'm a pretty independent person.

( Cue " I'm Every Woman" by Whitney Houston. You know you love that song)

I love spending time by myself.

Moving seems like an adventure, not something to fear.

If you tell me I can't do something, it usually makes me want to do it more. ( Anyone remember butterfly clips? Everyone told me they wouldn't look good in a bowl cut. I continued to rock them until high school.)

And with this fierce independence, comes an equal amount of stubbornness.

Usually if I think something is wrong, I'm not going to do it, no matter the amount of peer pressure.

Generally, I know when to say no.

I like to think I have a pretty strong moral compass.

But, I haven't always been like that.

Once, upon a time, when hormones were high and self esteems were low, I wanted nothing more the to be liked by the "cool kids".

And I would do whatever it took to be a part of that group.

And there was one particular incident that still makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't think I'll ever forget it.


We were on a field trip in seventh grade.

And somehow, because all of the planets aligned, I got put in a group with the coolest girls in school.

And for some reason, they thought it was socially acceptable to talk to me.

We got to sit in the back of the bus.

We talked about the cutest boys in the grade.

One of the girls even tried to French braid my bowl cut ( this attempt was in vain).

Everything about that day was sheer Limited Too, Aeropostale, Teen Bop perfection.

Until, one of the girls pointed at someone to the front of the bus and said,

" Ew, guys did you see that girls shirt? How ugly does she look?"

Giggles and jokes filled the back of the bus.

"And what is with that haircut?"

" She looks like a donkey with those teeth".

The giggles grew louder. Soon everyone was turning around on the bus including the butt of all of the jokes.

And the butt of these jokes happened to be my friend.

My friend who talked to me when these girls ignored me.

My friend who shared her Lunchable with me, switching her bologna for my ham because she knew I liked it better.

The girl who had brought me tissues when these girls had brought me to tears with their jokes about my chubby frame.

I wish I could say I stood up to them.

I wish I could say I got up, left the back of the bus, and took my rightful place at the from with my true friends.

I wish I could say that.

But I didn't.

Instead, I laughed.

And as we got off the bus, I made donkey noises at the girl who had been nothing but kind to me.

And looking back on this day, as a grown adult, I think two things.

How could I have been so horrible?

And

If I has never sat in that seat,

On that bus,

With those girls,

Would I have said those terrible things?

Sometimes, no matter how good of a person we are, things get in the way.

Things lead us astray,

People try and get us to do things we would never have done otherwise.

Jesus knew this better the anyone.

6 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. 7 Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come! 8 If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9 And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

I know that sounds drastic.

Foot not working?

Cut it off.

Eye looking at something it shouldn't be?

Gouge that sucker out.

But, I don't think that's what Jesus was really telling us.

I think what Jesus was really telling us, is something that we all know, but choose to ignore.

There are people, or things, that cause us to sin.

There are people, or things, that may be too much for us to resist when they're right in front of us.

There are people, or things, for the sake of our walk with The Lord that we have to be behind.

And sometimes that will be hard.

And sometimes you will not want to do it.

And sometimes it'll be painful ( thus, the gouged out eye image).

But, it doesn't change the fact that it is completely and utterly necessary.

So, what is your limp foot?

And what is your wandering eye?

Is it that friend who brings out the worst in you?

That bar with those drinks you just can't resist?

That tv show you know you shouldn't be watching?

That boyfriend that tempts you just a little too much?

What is holding you back?

And are you willing to do something about it, no matter how hard,

Or how much you don't want to,

And no matter how painful?

And my dear sweet friend in the front row of the bus, if you happen to read this, I hope you know how truly sorry I am.

And I wish I had gouged out wandering eye and come and sat with you.

Only a true friend trades from their Lunchable.

One Size Fits All

I joke about it a lot.

And I talk about it a lot.

And this blog post is in no way meant to sound like a plea for pity.

On the contrary, this blogpost is an expression of rejoicing.

I am rejoicing, because I have always had a problem with my weight.

Honestly, I don't remember a time that I wasn't overweight.

I remember having to shop in the women's section while I was still in elementary school.

I remember not being able to wear any of the clothes that the cool girls wore in middle school.

I remember crying because I couldn't find a prom dress in my size.

I remember telling people I was the "funny fat girl" and I actually enjoyed being known as that.

And I was fine with the way I looked until, well, I just wasn't anymore.

I don't know what changed- suddenly I just looked in the mirror and found that I wasn't OK being the largest person in my family.

I wasn't OK with not being able to shop in regular stores.

I wasn't OK with feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

So I had to make a change.

And still everyday, some five years after I began this weight loss journey, I have to make a conscious decision.

I have to diet, when most of my friends don't have to.

I have to run, in order to keep fitting into those new jeans.

I have to realize that I will gain 6 pounds just by looking at a cookie.

And you know what- some days it sucks.

Somedays, I don't want to have to think about everything I put in my mouth.

Somedays, I don't want to have to work out to still be able to stay the same size.

Somedays, I wish that being healthy wasn't such a struggle.

Somedays, I wish that I could just be normal.

But then I realize- God designed me this way.

He gave me these challenges for a reason.

He created my metabolism, as slow and haggard as it is.

And through my changing body, and battle with food there are two things that I have realized.

God is unchanging, although my waist size may not be. ( "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" Hebrews 13:8).

And how God views me has always been the same, when I've been a size 22

Or a 14

Or a 6. ( " I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14).

Do I wish that I never had to think about my weight?

Of course.

Would I give anything to not have to work out five times a week?

Duh.

How much would I give to be able to walk into a Krispy Kreme without joining a new weight class?

A lot of money.

But at the end of the day, I was created by a Lord that loves me, faithfully, and undeservingly.

And if the only way I could learn that, and fully grasp that, is by seeing that His love is the same, no matter my size,

Well, that trade off seems pretty fair to me.

Heartbreak University

So let's face it.

Sometimes in our lives, we have heartbreak.

Movies are dedicated to it.

Self help books love it.

Most country songs have it in their title.

Sometimes, we just don't get what we want.

I'd love to say that I've never had heartbreak in my life.

I'd love to say that I've never been disappointed.

I'd love to say that I didn't completely over dramatize these situations.

But alas, none of these things are true.

So be aware that this story I'm about to share is over dramatic.

I'm aware.

I know this is not real heartbreak.

But to a 17 year old, it sure feels close.

I went to a performing arts high school.

Ever seen Fame?

Pretty much like that.

Only instead of New York City, we were in the metropolis of Mableton Georgia.

Pretty much the same thing.

And I was convinced, as my senior year was quickly approaching, that I knew what I was going to be in my life.

I knew what the Lord had laid out before me.

I was going to be a musical theater major at one of the best schools in the country.

I was going to quickly jet set my way to New York City.

And after a few months in the city, I was going to land my first staring role on Broadway.

Because that's the way the world works right?

There was only one problem with this plan.

I was, rather large.

And I couldn't dance.

And a fat girl that can't dance isn't exactly on everyone's "to hire" list.

But I was convinced.

And I knew where the Lord wanted me to go to school.

Elon College.

They were a small school.

They sold Vera Bradley in the school store.

They had a quidditch team.

My tour guide looked like Jude Law.

Basically, I had found my perfect fit.

And so when my best friend Allison and I loaded up our jazz shoes and tights and leotards in our matching Vera Bradley totes and headed to auditions, I knew with full confidence that this was the place I was going to call home for the next four years.

And then, the audition happened.

And I may or may not have fallen several times during the dance audition.

And I may or may not have sung a song written for a middle aged black woman.

But yet, I was still completely confident.

Now, let me give you a little background on my best friend Allison.

Allison is one of the most talented women I've ever had the blessing of knowing. When I watch her perform, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord designed her to do so. It's effortless, like breathing for her.

When I performed, it looked like I was an asthmatic child after the mile run in PE.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when Allison received her acceptance letter to Elon, and my envolope was slightly smaller, with a slightly harsher message.

I didn't get in.

Actually, I didn't get in to any of the schools I'd auditioned for.

And Allison, because she is so wildly talented, got in to almost all of the ones she auditioned for.

Even my beloved Elon.

My heart was broken.

I cried.

I stress ate.

I burned my Elon sweatshirt in our fireplace. ( Drastic but true).

And through all of my overdramatic weeping and carrying on, I couldn't get past my own hurt to turn my head, and offer love to my best friend, who had achieved so many of her dreams.

Because my heart was so hurt, I couldn't love on one of the people I hold closest to my heart.

My heart was so selfish, that I coudn't see past my own heartbreak and look at the needs of others.

Today, when I was reading Matthew 14, I was struck by how lucky I am to serve a God whose love is so much more selfless then my own.

Let me break this down for you.

John the Baptist, the prophet the announced the name of Christ before His coming, the man that baptized Jesus, basically one of Jesus' best friends, had just been killed and beheaded.

And Jesus had just found out.

And as he was getting into a boat, to have some solitary alone time, to mourn the loss of His best friend, thousands of people that were sick and hurting came to Him for healing.

And Jesus, being the amazing savior that He is, pushed His own heartbreak aside, healed all of those people.

And when it came dinner time, He performed one of His greatest miracles, a story that those of us who grew up in church have heard hundreds of times.

15 As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

16 Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”17 “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

18 “Bring them here to me,” he said. 19 And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20 They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

In His heartbreak, Jesus put these strangers ahead of Himself.

In His heartbreak, Jesus healed those who were hurting.

In His heartbreak, Jesus turned five loaves of bread and two fish into a meal that fed over 5,000.

In His heartbreak, Jesus fed over 5,000 from five loaves of bread and two fish with 12 basketsto spare, with bread overflowing.

In His heartbreak, Jesus had an overflowing love.

I find it so reassuring to know that a God who can love so greatly, even when His heart is hurting, holds my life in His hands.

I find it so reassuring that even in my selfishness, He is selflessly loving.

I find it so reassuring to know that the man that healed these thousands of people is constantly working on my heart, and when it's broken mends it.

And even when I fall in dance auditions,

And even when I'm heartbroken,

And even when it looks like my life isn't going at all like I had planned,

That the overflowing love of Jesus stays consistently the same.

A Love Letter To Boston

This week, I've had a heartache.

I've had a heartache for the city of Boston, the city that I called home for four years, the city where I learned the most about myself, the city that I truly grew up.

I've had a heartache for my friends, my sisters and my college, who have been put smack dab in the middle of this crazy week.

And honestly, selfishly I've had a little heartache for myself. How do I go on living my life like everything is normal, when the city I love the most is suffering so much?

So, as I sat down to read my bible on Monday night, I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear.

I wasn't sure what I needed to hear.

I wasn't sure I really wanted to hear anything.

But, as He always does, The Lord proves that He can plan my life way better I.

That even when I'm speechless, He will continue to speak.

And as I opened up to Joshua 1, these words resonated to the very core of my heartache.

"As I was with Moses, so will I be with you; I will not leave you or forsake you"

And here's the kicker, the part that really got to me,

" Only be strong and courageous".

Be strong and courageous.

That phrase was repeated four times throughout this chapter.

And I don't think that was an accident, because I know my God doesn't make any.

Even over 2,000 years ago, God knew that the world was scary,

And sad,

And sometimes seems like more then we can bear.

And He knew that we would have to be reminded that the hard work, had already been done.

We would have to be reminded that he's standing beside us, fighting our battles.

We only have one job.

To be strong and courageous.

So, my dear, sweet friends in Boston,

As you take the green line out to Fenway to bask in the glory of the Green Monster remember-

Be strong and courageous.

When you're eating dinner in the North End and stop to get a cannoli at Mike's Pastries ( or Bova's if you're smart), remember-

Be strong and courageous.

As you stroll through the Boston Common, and watch the Swan Boats take some of their first trips of the season, remember-

Be strong and courageous.

And as you walk down the streets of Copley again, instead of remembering the terror that occurred there simply remember-

Be strong and courageous.

And know, that all the way down in Georgia, a fellow Bostonian is constantly praying for you.

#bostoniloveyou