God of Empathy

If you had to list out the qualities of Jesus,

Whether you believe He actually is the Son of God or not,

I'm sure you could come up with a pretty long list.

Loving,

Patient,

Kind,

Wise,

Humble,

Selfless,

Giving,

The list could go on and on.

But this morning,

I discovered a new adjective to add to that list,

Empathetic.

Having the ability to relate and understand another person's feelings and emotions.

It's different then sympathetic. 

Sympathy sounds like:

It's going to be OK.

Tomorrow will be better.

Look on the bright side.

Empathy sounds like:

I've been there too. I know this hurts.

It's ok to be sad.

I'm here for you, whatever you need.

The truest form of empathy comes when you've experienced the same thing that another person is going through,

And can look back and remember how much it hurt,

How deep the pain seemed,

How much it stung,

How hopeless it felt,

And not expect those persons feelings to go away overnight.

The truest form of empathy comes from having been, or being in, a similar state and not offering any solutions,

But simply a listening ear.

And when I read this verse today in Hebrews, 

It made it crystal clear to me why Jesus,

Who I believe to be the Son of God,

Had to come and live on Earth among us so that

"He would have already experienced it all himself- all the pain, all the testing- and would be able to help where help was needed" ( Hebrews 2:18, The Message)

Jesus had to come to live on Earth,

So he could understand the hurt of being let down by friends,

The pain of feeling like an outcast,

The sting of not living up to others expectations,

And how hopeless it felt to have to wait patiently for what you knew was yours.

Jesus had to come to Earth so that when inevitably we feel the hurt of being let down by friends,

The pain of feeling like an outcast,

The sting of not living up to others expectations,

And the hopelessness of having to wait patiently for what you knew was yours,

He wouldn't just be a God we could reach out to for sympathy,

A God who would say:

It's going to be OK.

Tomorrow will be better.

Look on the bright side.

He would be a God of empathy,

 A God who could look back and remember how much it hurt,

How deep the pain seemed,

How much it stung,

How hopeless it felt,

And sit with us and say:

I've been there too. I know this hurts.

It's ok to be sad.

I'm here for you, whatever you need.

The truest form of empathy comes when you've experienced the same thing that another person is going through,

And I find it so comforting to know that the person I cry out to in times of need,

The Son of God,

The creator of the universe,

A man who walked the Earth,

Knows exactly I'm coming from.

Learning to Yearn

Today I sat next to a dried up lake and cried.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life.

My life is great.

I have so many things that I prayed for,

And yet,

I still want.

I want for more.

For more satisfaction.

For more joy.

For more peace.

For more contentment.

How is that I can have so much,

But still want for so much more?

And how do I learn to sit in a place of contentment?

How do I learn not to yearn for more?

But here's what I'm starting to figure out,

God desires us to want more.

But not more things,

Or more relationships,

Or more adventures,

Or more success,

God wants us to yearn for more of  Him. 

He wants our heart to yearn for more satisfaction,

For more peace,

For more joy,

For more contentment,

Because there's nothing we can do that can bring all of those things except to face that yearning,

To sit in front of a dried up lake and cry,

And recognize that yearning. 

He wants us to yearn 

And realize that more satisfaction,

More joy,

More peace,

More contentment,

Can only come from Him.

And when we begin to recognize that, our yearning begins to look different.

We begin to yearn for things that stir our souls,

Relationships with the one who created us,

Adventures with that can only be had by giving up our own plans and trusting this God unseen,

And success in resting in knowing our worth doesn't come from our success.

Today I yearn for more.

Today I want to learn to yearn for the more that will truly fulfill. 

Twenty Something

Being a twenty something is hard.

So many people have refered to these years as the "best years of your life"

But really, I think people should probably be a little more honest.

These years are full of fun,

And  full of the least amount of responsibility you'll ever have while having all of the perks of being an adult,

But still these years feel full.

Full of decisions,

Full of choices,

Full of big moments,

All while you're trying just to figure it all out.

I think God designed the twenty something years specifically so we would learn to trust.

Because really,

How else are you supposed to make a career choice fresh out of four years of clubs and paper writing and entire days spent in the dining hall if you don't trust that even if you make a wrong choice, you will still be OK?

How are you supposed to learn that friendships change and morph and look different if you don't trust that even though it may look different, these friendships are not any less important?

How are you supposed to choose the person you spend your life with if you don't trust that in 30 years, when you're not as attractive, and tired from the wear and tear of life, that you will still get those butterflies when you catch each other's eyes across the room?

How are you supposed to learn to be a grownup if you don't trust that this life,

That looks a little more scary,

A little more full,

A little more tiring,

Then you thought it would when you were in your teen-something years,

Is going to also be

A little more joyful,

A little more grace filled,

A little more adventurous,

Then your twenty something self could have ever dreamed?

That in the midst of the "best years of your life"

You are going to be asked to dream big,

And watch your story change before your eyes,

And see prayers answered,

And start new jobs,

And move,

And laugh, 

And watch your friends change their last names,

And begin thinking about changing your own. 

That in the middle of the " best years of your life",

You are going to see some dreams fail,

And watch your story change in ways you never hoped it would,

And have prayers go unanswered,

And end jobs,

And leave your home,

And cry,

And sit with your friends who dream of changing their last names, 

Or friends who long to be mommys and daddy's,

Or simply sit in moments of brokenness.

How could you get through a season like your twenty somethings,

The season full of decisions,

And life change, 

Without trust?

And when I sit right in the middle of this season,

This season that is 

 a little more scary,

A little more full,

A little more tiring,

A little more joyful,

A little more grace filled,

A little more adventurous

Then I imagined they would be,

I think that these "best years of my life"

May be the best years of my life because it's the years that I learned to choose to trust,

And rely,

And believe,

That each season,

Will be full,

And no matter what they're full of,

I have a God who I can fully trust with each season.

One Day At A Time

One day at a time.

It's what everyone says.

Take it one day at a time.

But sometimes, taking things one day at a time seems nearly impossible.

Because this day is full of worries,

And full of doubts,

About the next day,

Or the day after that,

Or the week after that,

Or the year after that.

One day at a time feels impossible,

When all the worries,

And concerns,

And fears, 

Of the next day's take over this day.

How do you take on this day,

When the days to come feel too big?

When the days to come feel too unknown?

When the days to come feel too much?

On this day,

When days to come feel unknown or scary,

Choose to remember,

That God,

In His moments of creation,

Took things one day at a time.

God could have clapped his hands,

Or wiggled his nose,

Or coughed,

And all of creation could have appeared.

But instead,

He took it day by day.

He created light and darkness,

He created water and sky,

He created land and ocean,

He created plants,

He created the sun and the moon and the stars,

He created animals,

And finally he created His prized possessions,

His favorite masterpiece,

He created humans.

And each creation had it's own day,

It's own unique elements,

And at the end of every day God choose to take a step back and say,

This, 

This day,

This creation,

This is good.

And even though He knew the mess we were going to make of his creation,

He took the time to step back,

And only focus on the trials of that day.

So today, choose to step back.

In the midst of change,

And uncertainty,

In the midst of fear,

Choose to step back and focus on today,

On the fact that even if every fear comes true,

Every unknown becomes known,

If tomorrow really is too big,

That today, we can step back and simply say,

Today, 

Today it was good.

And maybe, by learning to take that step back,

We'll learn that maybe those fears aren't so scary,

And the unknown isn't so bad,

And that days might not seem too big,

When we recognize that if we can call today good,

We can do the same for those tomorrows. 

The Place

I sit here today marveling at the difference a year can make.

A year ago, I sat tired, confused, scared about what my next step in life would be.

I could feel God pulling me away from a place that I loved,

People I loved,

A place where beautiful friendships were formed,

And for the first time, I felt like being Katie,

Just truly being me,

Was a great person to be.

This place brought me life,

It brought me growth,

It brought me joy,

It brought me a greater faith.

But yet, still,

I felt a tugging,

Actually, more like a ripping,

Because I'm stubborn, and such brute force was probably necessary.

A ripping,

A call,

A yell,

That my heart was supposed to find rest somewhere else.

And I resented that call,

I resented being called away from a place that I felt so much at home,

But yet,

Through the tears,

And through the fighting,

And through the confusion,

My heart was still tugged,

And I found myself ripped out of my comfort zone.

My heart was no longer at home,

My heart was no longer at peace,

My heart was tender,

And fragile,

And scared.

And today, I sit grateful for that ripping.

Because without the ripping,

My heart would never have been tender enough to experience all of the gifts that came from this next leap.

Without the overwhelming tenderness,

My heart would never have been able to experience the overwhelming relief that comes from mourning a loss,

And watching your heart grow from it.

Without the loneliness of sitting in an apartment alone,

There would not have been the gratefulness that comes when a new friend opens up the door of their home.

Without the fear of living the rest of your life single in the suburbs,

There would never have been the joy in seeing God craft your own personal love story.

Without the ripping,

There would never have been the laughing,

And the missing,

And the stretching,

And the loving,

And the gratefulness,

And the tears,

And the discovery,

That sometimes, all of these things can stem out of a place of pain.

That sometimes,

It's a place of pain,

A place of wandering,

A place of leaping,

A place of not knowing,

That can be the place of the greatest growth,

The greatest joy,

And in return,

The greatest faith.

Soul Ugly

I saw my ugly this morning.

Not my physical ugliness,

The deep,

Messy,

Soul ugliness that we all try to hide,

But it always manages to rear it's ugly head when we least expect it. 

And my own personal brand of ugly decided to make an appearance at the place where my brain goes to take a rest.

It showed up in the middle of the gym.

And I think that's the way our ugly likes to make it's appearance. 

In a place where we feel comfortable enough to let out our brains take a rest.

The place where we don't notice the ugly quite as easily.

My soul ugly first showed up in spits of anger,

Hateful and thrown at someone who had no idea they were entering into my ugly's path,

And then in morphed into sadness,

Shame,

A girl standing in the middle of the gym floor crying,

Silent tears that could have easily been mistaken for drops of sweat. 

My ugliness,

My soul ugly,

Made it's grand appearance because of one thing-

Failure.

And my disdain for even the smallest shred of evidence to point to the fact that I am capable of failure.

There's this fear wrapped up in failure.

This fear and this comparison.

She can do that, why can't I?

What will people think of me if I can't get this right?

What will that say about me?

And this fear is like fuel to my ugly's fire.

It's favorite kind of food.

My ugly's barbeque chicken pizza.

And when given even a taste,

Causes my ugly to go into a tailspin,

Resulting in silent tears on the floor of the gym. 

And as I sit and think about my ugly,

And why I continue to feed it what it wants, and what it needs,

I have to wonder,

Why am I so afraid of something that everyone does?

Why am I so afraid of something that binds us all together,

The fact that at some point,

We will all stumble,

We will all make mistakes,

We will all fail.

Failure is inevitable,

But failure doesn't have to be scary. 

Failure is not weakness,

It's the inability to see the humanness of failure that makes us weak,

And our ability to admit that we have  stumbled,

And made mistakes,

And fail,

And will continue to fail,

That makes us strong. 

The fear of failure,

Not the actual failure,

Holds us captive,

And makes us ugly,

Prisoners to our own inner critics,

Our own brand of soul ugly.

But somehow,

In the admitting that you are weak,

It makes you a little bit stronger.

Failure is inevitable.

But the fear of failure is a choice.

And the choice to choose fear,

Is a choice to remain a prisoner,

And a choice to continue to feed the ugly. 

So today, I make a choice.

Today I choose to show myself grace,

Today I choose to accept that failure is inevitable,

But that doesn't make me weak,

Or less then.

It makes me human.

Today I choose not to feed the soul ugly. 

And today I choose not to be a prisoner to my fear of failure.

Today, I'm choosing freedom.

"The Lord sets prisoners free" Psalms 147:7

Roller Derby Grace

Recently, I've gotten on this new kick. 

While I was standing in line at Starbucks, I saw a poster,

A flier to be a part of a women's roller derby team.

And I was immediately intrigued.

Women's roller derby is a high intensity, high impact sport that involves a group of women, skating around a track, trying to score points, and basically slamming each other into walls.

It's not pretty.

It's not sweet.

It's aggressive,

And rough,

And in your face,

And I want to do it.

Does it matter that I actually have no idea how to roller skate?

Not at all.

Because my imagination started working.

And as I shared my new found dream with friends and family,

I received mixed reviews.

Some looks of confusion,

Looks of excitement,

Looks of fear for my safety,

And the statement,

"That just seems so masculine. It's so aggressive".

And as I was reading the book of Romans this morning,

I felt OK sitting in the truth that that was exactly the kind of woman I wanted to be.

An aggressive woman.

As followers of Christ, we are called to be full of love, full of forgiveness, full of grace.

And I don't know about you, but when I picture a woman that looks like that, I always saw a woman that calmly and patiently loves, never raising her voice, never shaking things up.

And I found that picture a hard one to relate to,

Because I'm none of those things.

But I felt such freedom when I read this today. 

"By sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down". ( Romans 5:21, The Message)

Grace is not soft.

Grace is not passive.

Grace is not easy.

Grace is aggressive.

Grace is aggressive because we have a God that aggressively loves.

A God that is not passive,

A God that chases after me even on my worst days.

A God that aggressively loves and chooses to compete with all the other things we put ahead of him,

And says " When you're ready, I'll be here".

But still,

Never stops loving.

So when I think about the kind of woman I want to be,

The kind of friend I want to be,

The kind of wife I want to be,

The kind of mother I want to be,

I want to aggressive.

I want to be a woman that aggressively loves.

That chooses to love,

Even when it's hard,

That choose to forgive,

Even when things are messy,

That chooses to be aggressive with grace,

And chases after it,

For myself,

And for others. 

Grace is like women's roller derby,

It's aggressive,

And rough,

And in your face,

And a great, great adventure. 

Tell Me Who I Am

I tend to look around me to see who I am.

It's a dangerous habit. 

A habit that can only end in confusion.

My parents tell me I'm one way,

But my friends tell me I'm different.

My grades tell me I'm smart,

But my choice to put handsoap in the dishwasher tells me different. 

My gym schedule tells me I'm fit,

But some days, the size of my thighs seem to say something completely different.

My job tells me I'm successful,

But that gnawing pit at the bottom of my stomach telling me I'm just not good enough tells me I'm not.

When I look around,

I tend to end up in a state of confusion.

But if I can't look to these things to tell me who I am,

Or what I am,

Then where do I look?

Where do I look for concrete and absolute truth,

A truth that no matter what the scale says,

Or no matter what my employment status is,

That will help me to remember who I am,

And what I am.

And today, I am reminded.

Today I am reminded to look at the cross.

Today I am reminded to look at the cross to tell me who I am.

The cross tells me I'm a sinner,

But the cross also tells me I'm forgiven.

The cross tells me I'm imperfect,

But the cross tells me I don't have to be.

The cross tells me I'm loved.

The cross tells me I'm treasured.

The cross tells me even at my loneliest, I'm thought of.

The cross tells me I am worthy.

The cross tells me that even my darkest secret is enough to make me unloveable.

The cross tells me who I am.

And because the cross tells me who k am,

It tells me who the God I serve is.

Because the cross tells me I'm loved, it tells me I have a God that is loving.

Because the cross tells I'm treasured, it tells me that I have a God that can see past the mess and treasure a woman who has screwed up time and time again.

Because the cross tells me I am thought of, it tells me I have a God that while he was busy designing the world, he placed fireflies on the earth because one day, there would be girl who loved nothing more then to see the sparkling reminders of summer nights.

Because the cross tells me I'm worthy, it tells me I have a God who loves me just the way I am.

Because the cross tells me that even at my darkest hour I am loveable, it tells me I have a God whose love is not based on jobs,

Or looks,

Or good deeds,

Or relationship status,

Or degrees,

Or my past,

Because of the cross, I see a God whose love is pure,

And holy,

And full of truth. 

And in that moment of truth,

I can look around and see,

When the world tries to tell me who I am,

Or what I am.

I can be reminded that I already know who I am.

Because the cross reminds me who my God is.

You Are Not Enough

Today is one of those days where I just wanted to throw up my hands and quit.

Today is one of those days where I saw constant reminders of my flaws,

Where I lack,

Where I'm not enough.

 I'm not organized enough.

 I'm not clean enough.

 I'm not nice enough.

I'm not responsible enough.

I'm just not enough.

And everywhere I turned,

My already sensitive heart seemed to pick out the reminders of that.

I carry this flaw,

The flaw that no matter how fast I run,

No matter how much I chase,

No matter how much I try,

I will never be able to do it all.

And that moment,

That realization,

Is humbling,

And scary,

And downright heartbreaking.

That even when all of my cylinders are going at full speed,

I will never get it all done.

That even when I feel like I'm accomplishing the most,

Something will be left behind.

That even at my very best,

I will never be enough for everyone.

And that thought can be paralyzing,

And result in tearful phone calls in a Target parking lot.

Or that realization,

That humbling,

Scary,

Downright heartbreaking realization,

Can be our first step into freedom.

You are not enough.

But, you don't have to be.

You will never get it all done.

But that's alright.

You will never be everything for everyone.

And that's how it should be.

You will trip,

You will fall,

You will side swipe cars at Target,

Because you are not supposed to be able to do it all.

You are not enough, because if you were,

Having a God that is,

A God that is big enough,

Strong enough,

Loving enough,

Merciful enough,

Kind enough,

Omniscient enough,

To help us walk through any rough day,

Any heartbreak,

Any success,

Any grand adventures,

Or great failures,

Wouldn't be as amazing.

You are not enough.

And you will have days that show you that.

Because sometimes we need to be reminded that our God is enough,

And even in our failings,

And even in our shortcomings,

And even in our irrational breakdowns in Target parking lots,

When we come face to face with the fact that we are not enough,

Is when we come face to face with a God that is.

In the eyes of the world, we may not be enough.

But when we have a God that is,

Somehow we become enough too.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. " 2 Corinthians 2:9

Before and After

Sometimes, I seperate myself into two different Katie's,

Before Katie and After Katie,

Katie before the weightloss and Katie after the weightloss

Before Katie was unhealthy.

After Katie is healthy.

Before Katie was self conscious,

After Katie is confident.

Before Katie hid her hurts behind cleaverly veiled humor,

After Katie recognizes her vulnerability to talk about those hurts is what makes her beautiful. 

And I tend to live everyday trying not to go back to becoming Before Katie.

Working out,

Trying not to eat too much pizza,

Trying to live truthfully and honestly,

Attempting to make up for those years I spent yearning to be After Katie,

But never knowing how to make that first step.

And, if I have to be truthful,

A lot of this striving,

And working,

And attempting,

Comes from a place of fear.

If those numbers on the scale creep back up, you'll become Before Katie again,

Unhealthy,

Insecure,

Hidden.

If you let yourself slip, you'll slip back into your old routines.

And if I had to be completely truthful,

There's this competition and fear that lives in the Before and After.

Before Katie was hidden.

After Katie is seen.

And if I go back to being Before Katie, I'll no longer be seen,

I'll no longer be chosen,

I'll no longer be loved.

And today, God showed opened my eyes to the lies I continue to tell myself,

And shown the light on the truth.

That even in my unhealthiness, I was seen as whole. 

That even in my insecurities, I was treasured.

Even in my hiding I was seen.

That in God's eyes, there is no Before Katie and After Katie.

In God's eyes,

There is only a Chosen Katie,

A Seen Katie,

A Loved Katie,

And that Katie is the same in the before and the after,

Because her God is the same in the before and the after.

 

And the truth is, even if the numbers on the scale creep back up,

And becomes higher then the numbers Before Katie saw,

That I am still chosen.  

And still seen.

And still loved. 

Because in God's eyes, there is no before and after.

Because I was loved the same,

The whole entire time.

"Say of your sisters, " You are my loved one" Hosea 1:11

Live: A Definition

Adult life is hard,

Adult life is difficult.

And adult life is different then I imagined.

There's a routine,

Get up.

Go to the gym.

Go to work.

Go home.

Go to bed.

And of course, there's a few moments of change in that routine.

But in all of the words of wisdom I got about what it means to be an adult,

There was one piece of advice I never heard.

Remember how you want to live.

Because in the midst of the everyday life,

In the midst of work,

In the midst of bills,

In the midst of grocery shopping,

In the midst of doing all of the things necessary to lead a stable life,

I've forgotten how to live.

And today I came across this verse, and I was reminded of a simple truth.

"Since I live, you will also live" ( John 14:20)

Because Jesus rose and died again, I'm offered life.

Because Jesus lives,

I also live.

And the beautiful thing about that,

The beautiful thing about this offer of life,

Is not not everyone's definition of life has to be identical.

There are the basics that are same,

But when God created each of us individually,

Designed us uniquely,

He created us with passions that make us excited to get of bed in the morning, 

He created us with hopes and dreams,

He created us with a desire to live, and live fully.

And sometimes, 

In order to truly live, and live fully,

We have to step back,

And define with that looks like for us.

I have to define what it means for me to truly live.

To truly live, I need community.

I need to be surrounded by people, who know me intimately,

Who knows what makes me laugh,

What makes me cry,

Who will bring me a Diet Coke to celebrate,

And a Diet Coke when I need to mourn.

To truly live,

I need people who walk with me through seasons of life,

In the good,

The bad,

And the ugly.

To truly live, I need to constantly learn.

To learn about myself,

To learn about others,

And to learn about those passions that I think about when I get out of the bed in the morning.

To truly live, I need to be intentional about time by myself,

Time spent alone,

Time spent away from the distractions of a busy world,

That tells it's not OK to sit still,

That busy is better,

And another Netflix binge will fill my time when I feel lonely,

Instead of learning to sit in that loneliness,

And embrace the time alone.

To truly live, I need to write,

To craft sentences,

To edit and erase,

Write and start over,

Because that's where I can best hear the whispers of God in the middle of the noise I surround myself with.

To truly live, I need to dream.

I need to dream of a future,

A future full of dream of adventures,

Of spontaneous trips,

Of open doors,

And full houses.

To truly live, I need to remember

Remember who I am,

And where I came from.

I need to remember that every day is a part of the journey, and that's part of the beauty.

To truly live I need to remember that my dreams don't have to be in the future.

I need to remember that all of those things can be part of my life in the here and now.

To live, I need to choose.

Choose what brings me joy.

Choose what makes me full.

Choose what brings me life.

To live, I need to define what to truly live looks like to me.

Because in the midst of the everyday life,

In the midst of work,

In the midst of bills,

In the midst of grocery shopping,

In the midst of doing all of the things necessary to lead a stable life,

It's easy to forget.

So, what's your definition of what it means to live?

What do you need to live life fully?

And how will you choose not to forget?

Senior Year of Real Life

A few days ago, a friend from college texted me.

A friend that I met on my first day of freshman year.

A friend who I didn't know at the time would be a key staple of college.

A friend, despite all of his quirks,

Has taught me what true friendship can look like.

What friendship can look like when you're different as can be,

But still manage to find the beauty in those differences.

And this friend,

This quirky,

Talented,

Comic book reading friend,

Sent me a text that caused my heart to stop.

"Katie, we've been out of college for four years. That's enough time for us to do college all over again".

And then,

In his usual persistent fashion,

A follow up text,

"What have you learned in the last four years?"

I haven't sent a return text yet.

Partly due to the fact that I'm generally highly unskilled at the art of text message conversation.

But much more largely due to the fact that the question made me stop and think.

What have I learned in these first four years of adulthood,

These first four years of "real life?"

What have I learned in the the four years after the four years that are supposed to be the best of your life?

What have I learned, since I was that 22 year old girl, marching across the graduation stage in her cap and gown and cowboy boots?

I have learned that sometimes your home isn't always isn't as permanent as you wish.

And when you leave, and start to try tp make a new place home, your heart stretches trying to make room for this new place and new people,

And although that stretching may be painful,

There's always room for both places,

Both of your heart homes.

I have learned that sometimes God answers prays in small and intimate ways,

And sometimes those prayers are answered quickly, and  you feel like God is so incredibly faithful,

But sometimes those prayers are answered only after being prayed with a soundtrack of tears and consistent asking, until you feel like you can't ask anymore,

But yet,

They are still answered,

In one way or another.

I've learned to never mistake dishwashing fluid for hand soap.

And never try to restart the dishwasher after thinking you've cleaned out all the bubbles, because I promise, you never get all the bubbles.

I've learned that pinterest can be the biggest blessing, and also, the biggest curse.

(Side note- If I continue to pin hundreds of recipes, will any of them  ever actually get made?)

I've learned that sometimes, loneliness is part of life,

And everyone feels it at one point or another,

But yet, no one really wants to talk about it.

I've learned that adult life is scary,

But no one really wants to talk about that either.

But I've learned that it's in those moments.

Those moments where you open up,

And share your heart,

Your fears,

Your dreams with others,

Open up your world just a little bit more,

Where the person sitting across the table isn't perfect,

But in their flaws,

You can see their beauty.

I've learned that friendships are hard when you don't live down the hall from your people,

And you can't just skip class to spend time together.

There is no dining hall in the adult world, where you run into all of your friends if you stay there long enough.

I've learned that real friendships, true friendships, take time,

And intentionality.

And sometimes, all friendships aren't meant to last throughout your entire life.

Some friendships are meant for seasons,

But that doesn't make those friendships any less sweet.

I've learned that coffee really is a gift from God,

And sometimes, there is a thing as too much Diet Coke.

I've learned I'm worth doors being held open,

I'm worth being told I'm beautiful,

But that worth doesn't come from the person holding the doors,

And saying the sweet words,

That worth comes from my identity in Christ, and the fact that I am loved and created by a God who sees and knows my intimately.

I've learned that sometimes God feels present, so close you feel like you could reach out and touch,

And sometimes He feels so far away that you can do nothing but sit and pray for some sort of reminder that He is actually there,

But yet,

He is still there.

I've learned to grow,

I've learned to change,

I've learned that life never looks like you think it's going to,

And sometimes you end up in jobs,

And cities,

And relationships,

That you never saw coming,

But it's in those surprises,

That holds life sweetness.

So as I sit, four years after graduation,

Four years into "real life",

Four years after leaving the place where I sat in a classroom and learned for four amazing years,

I have to think,

That life is about learning,

And if these are only the first four years of "real life",

I can't wait to see what kind of learning the next four years hold.

And David, I'm sorry I never returned your text.

But consider this your answer to your question.

Love List

This morning, I woke up ready to take on the world.

This morning, I woke up full of joy.

This morning, I woke up grateful.

Grateful for 5 AM alarm clocks.

Grateful for freshly made beds.

Grateful for a good long workout.

Grateful for the day ahead.

But suddenly, with one swift look in the mirror, that gratefulness was gone.

Something today, for some reason, just didn't meet my extremely high standards I set for myself.

And the thoughts started to rush through my head-

"You've worked out every day, why are your thighs still that size?"

"Maybe if you hadn't eaten ice cream for dinner two days this week,  you would feel better when you looked in the mirror."

"Time to start that next diet."

Just like that,

With one glance,

My joy,

My gratefulness,

Was gone.

I've recently begun reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp,

An amazingly crafted book about one women's search for joy,

For gratitude,

For thankfulness.

And as I sat reading this morning,

I realized,

How is it that I can find gratefulness for the small things in life,

The freshly made beds,

The long workouts of the worlds,

But yet,

I have such a hard time feeling that same gratefulness for my own body?

How is it that I can see and appreciate God's handiwork in what other's would call mundane,

But when I look in the mirror, I forget what I've preached to my friends,

And my high school girls,

And women in my small group,

Over and over again?

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are handcrafted by the same God that aligned the stars,

You were designed by the same God that designed fireflies on warm summer nights,

And the Grand Canyon, in all of it's vast expansive wonder

And that first ray of sun, peeking through the clouds after it's rained for what feels like forever?

When did I forget to learn,

The same thing applies to me?

And when I read this section from One Thousand Gifts, I was reminded,

Reminded and inspired.

""I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little". ( Phillipians 4:11-12)

I read it many times, groping for the latch.

There it is- the secret to living joy in every situation, the full life of gratefulness. Twice Paul whispers it: " I have learned". Learned. I would have to learn gratefulness"".

Somehow, in my weight loss journey,

In my hunt for health,

I forget to step back and learn,

What, no matter what weight I'm at,

Do I love about myself?

What, no matter how many times I get to the gym that week?

Am I grateful for?

What, no matter what the size the tag in my jeans read,

Do I thank God for,

See as His handiwork,

Recognize as fearfully and wonderfully made?

So today, I choose to learn.

In One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp sets out to make a list of 1000 things she is grateful for,

1000 gifts.

Today, as self centered as it may sound,

I choose to learn what I love about myself.

I choose to make a list of things that I love, 

Not about my personality,

Not about my skills,

That would be easy,

That would be safe.

Today, I choose to make a list of things about my body, 

That I love.

That I see as wonderful,

That gives me a sense of gratefulness and awe,

That is scary,

And that is hard,

And gives me a pit in my stomach about actually posting this blog post.

But, I have to choose to learn.

I have to choose to remember.

I have to choose to believe.

That I was designed by the creator of the Universe.

Today I choose to learn,

To continue this list,

To practice gratefulness,

And joy.

Today I choose to learn to love.

I don't have a number of items on the list I want to reach.

I'm not sure it's really about the number.

I think it's more about my heart.

And so, in full honesty,

I choose to share my first five items on my love list.

My first step on my journey,

My choice to learn,

How to truly love.

Love List

1.My dimples,  and how deeply inset they are in my cheeks.

2.My small wrists,  that are, dare I say, dainty.

3. My eyelashes- they rock. Really, they're long and mascara loves them.

4. My legs, strong enough to do 40 burpee box jumps.

5.  My eyebrows, that never have to be filled in.


The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Taste And See

Recently, I've developed a fear.

A fear that is not healthy.

A fear this is not productive.

A fear that is slightly weird.

Recently, I've been afraid of anything that tastes too good.

Weight loss has been a big part of my story,

A big part of my life change,

A big part of my walk with the Lord.

And through this life change,

I've learned to fear anything that tastes too good.

Because anything that tastes too good is full of calories,

And sugar,

And regret.

And so I feel like I live life teetering on the edge,

A tightrope walk.

Give into the cravings enough so that you don't let the cravings overtake you,

Have a cookie,

But make sure it's sugar free.

Enjoy the cake,

But you better stop at one bite.

Because anything that tastes too good,

Will send you spiraling back to the person that you used to be.

And as I sit here today,

I have to look at this fear,

And look at this way of life,

With complete honesty and realize,

What a sad way that is to live.

A life of fear,

A life of teetering,

A life of tightrope walking.

Turning something that is meant to bring joy,

Into something that brings fear.

And I think that sometimes,

I look at a lot of blessings from the Lord in this same way.

What is this new job is too good?

What if this new relationship feels too right?

What if this season of life is just too happy?

What if I give in,

Completely sit in the blessings,

Only to loose my footing,

And wind up in a place of loss,

And longing,

And regret?

But I think the bigger question is this-

What happens if I don't?

What happens if I don't sit and enjoy the blessings,

Take the leap,

Take a bite,

Savor the taste,

Because I'm too busy living in fear of what may happen?

Then I live a life of fear.

A life full of swallowing what may be's,

Instead of a life of tasting the joy,

Tasting the blessings,

Tasting the goodness,

So today, I choose to taste.

I choose to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8).

And today tastes like a warm, nutty cup of coffee I sip while I write this very post.

Today tastes like the comfort of life long friends who call just because.

Today tastes like the sweetness of butterflies in your stomach and across the table gazes.

Today tastes like the richness of getting to know a Lord who loves me so dearly He gives me blessings just because.

Blessings that can be free from fear.

Today tastes warm,

Today tastes like comfort.

Today tastes sweet.

Today tastes rich.

Today tastes good.

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 

Psalm 34:8

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Sitting in Sweetness

Today, I'm sitting in sweetness.

A season where life just feels full. 

I have a job I love, a new adventure that as I lay my head down at night, I feel exhausted, and so very fulfilled.

I've gotten to see God answer prayers, prayers that I was almost too exhausted to ask again, prayers that felt impossible, prayers that were answered as God often does;

Effortlessly,

And timely,

And in a personal,

And so very intimate way.

My heart feels full. 

Today I'm smack dab in the middle of a season of sweetness.

But as I looked back at blogposts over the last year, I remembered the moments that led up to this season.

And those were anything but sweet.

They were full of tears,

And frustration,

And confusion,

And changing of plans,

And letting go of dreams.

Those moments were hard to swallow,

And difficult to accept.

Those moments were bitter.

But as I sit here today,

I have to stop and think.

I have to wonder.

Would I recognize the sweetness, if I hadn't felt the bitter?

Would I have seen the prayers answered, 

If I hadn't first prayed those prayers on tear stained journal pages?

Would my heart feel as full right now,

If at one time, it hadn't felt just a little by empty?

So maybe,

In a way,

My prayers aren't being answered in this season of sweetness.

Maybe my prayers were being answered in a season of bitter,

But I just had to come out on the other side to recognize it. 

Maybe the sweetest times aren't when you're sitting in the middle of the sweetness.

Maybe the sweetest times are when you're in the middle of the bitterness, because those times are so very necessary to being able to see the moments of sweetness. 

So maybe in my next season where life feels hard to swallow,

Or hard to accept,

Maybe in the next season where life just looks bitter,

I can sit, 

And wait,

And recognize,

That this might be the sweetest season yet. 

Because it's because of the bitter,

Not in spite of it,

That you'll be able to see the sweet. 

Heard By God

Today, I sit in a place of gratefulness.

A place of complete and utter contentment.

In the middle of the craziness,

In the middle of the busyness,

In the middle of all the new,

I feel so very grateful,

So very known,

So very remembered.

I was reading the story of Hannah,

A woman who longed for a son.

A woman who sat,

Year after year,

And prayed

For a child.

And Hannah, in the middle of her complete and utter despair,

Continued to cry out to the Lord,

Continued to ask for her greatest hearts desire,

Continued to "pour out her soul to The Lord". ( 1st Samuel 1:15).

And the Bible tells us that in the middle of the suffering,

In the middle of the despair,

"The Lord remembered her".

And she was given a son.

Samuel.

And I can only imagine that moment for Hannah.

The moment when she looked down at the baby in her arms,

And saw the culmination of all her prayers,

Of all her tears,

Of all her waiting.

She saw clear and tangible evidence,

That the Lord loved her,

And heard her,

And remembered her.

And today, I feel that same way.

When I first moved, it was hard.

I left my home,

My people,

My comfort,

For something new.

Any many tears,

And moments of emotional eating,

Were involved,

And my constant prayer,

My constant crying out to the Lord was a simple, but large prayer-

"Make this place a home to me."

And this morning,

I saw clear and tangible evidence,

That my prayers,

My crying out,

Was heard.

And they seem small,

But as I look back on them now,

They seem so very personal to me.

When I was at the gym,

I saw two people I knew.

 I got recognized by a barista at Starbucks.

 I have friends that I feel comfortable enough with to invite myself over to their house to dinner tonight.

And as I sit here today,

I realized,

This place,

Is not so new anymore.

This place,

is not so unknown.

This place,

is slowly becoming a home.

And while all of these instances may seem small,

They make me feel so loved,

So heard,

So very remembered,

By the same Lord that heard Hannah's prayers,

And hears yours.

"And the Lord remembered her"

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Little Hints of Heaven

I don't know a lot of things.

And as I get older, it becomes clearer and clearer that I know less and less then I thought I did.

I'm in no way an expert,

In no way a theologian,

In no way a person that should have any sort of authority over anything in the Bible.

But tonight,

I was thinking about heaven.

What will it be like?

What does God say about it?

Why is it that people talk about this place they've never been with such assuredness,

Such hope,

When really, we have no idea?

The bible doesn't say that much about it,

Doesn't give many details.

But, I think part of the mystique of heaven is that we really have no idea.

That we have faith in knowing that whatever is before us,

Is better then what we left behind.

But I also think that God knows that we are impatient people,

Nosy,

And anxious,

To see what's ahead.

And tonight, I had a moment.

It was brief,

And simple,

And to the outside world, would have appeared as nothing quite special.

But tonight, I think I got my own personal taste of what heaven will be like.

I think at times,

We get hints.

Little glimpses of heaven here on Earth.

A piece of perfect.

A moment of stillness.

A brief and utter confidence that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

And I don't think these glimpses,

Theses pieces.

These moments,

Look the same to everyone.

Honestly, I think it would be boring if they did.

And I believe that the God that loves me abundantly,

Is also one of abundant creativity,

And abundant surprises,

Wouldn't give me a hint of His creative love,

With anything less then something innately personal to me.

And I find such joy in that.

And excitement,

To look for those little glimpses of heaven,

The pieces,

The moments where I so personally feel God's love,

That it can't be anything but.

The glimpses,

The pieces,

The moments,

That I know are meant just for me.

The glimpses,

The pieces,

The moments,

Where everything just feels,

Right,

Perfect,

Heavenly.

And that gives me hope.

Hope not just for the future,

And the mystical, perfect place that lies ahead.

But hope for the right now,

Hope for my current season,

Hope for my current struggles,

Hope for whatever I happen to be walking through,

Hope knowing that I serve a God that loves me enough,

To send me little hints of heaven.