I hate to admit it.
But lately, I've been struggling to be joyful.
And I'm not talking about happy.
I've been happy.
I've laughed.
I've had fun.
No, I'm talking about real joy, that comes from the very depths of your soul.
Joy that doesn't go away depending on the circumstances.
Joy that can only be breathed from The Lord.
I've known this joy before.
And so I've been confused at why in such an exciting season of my life,
Where each day has been filled with new adventures,
Graduations,
Starting new jobs,
Making new friends,
Why every night, when I lay my head on my pillow,I've still felt this sadness.
This pressure,
This unmistakable and annoying feeling at the pit of your stomach that something isn't right.
This tiny voice saying,
You are just not right.
I've shared before that weight loss is a huge part of my story.
I've shared that healthy eating and exercise will always have to be a part of my life.
But, what I don't think I've ever shared, is how much pressure I put on myself to stay the same size,
To not eat the dessert,
To get to the gym six days a week.
Yes, I know that no matter the size, I am perfect and wonderfully made in God's eyes.
But, Gods opinion isn't the one I've been struggling with.
It's been my own.
If those pants start to feel a little tight, I panic.
If I eat that dessert, I worry.
If I only get to the gym four days, I feel guilty.
And even though in an act of sheer necessity I threw away my scale,
I still find myself judging the size of my thighs,
Or the jiggle on my arms,
Trying to find justification in how much I weigh, the way I look.
And there has been a battle in my heart over this for a while.
And tonight, God has continued to open my eyes to where my true justification has to come from.
16 knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. ( Galations 2:16)
I can't be justified by my weight,
Or my age,
Or my job,
Because I, and every other follower if Christ is justified by their faith.
I became justified on the day I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, not the day I was able to fit into a size 6.
And from that justification, comes true joy.
I can have true joy because I have freedom from sin, not because I was able to resist a cookie.
I can have true joy because I am a child of the Living God, not because I ran four miles.
I can have joy because I have a Father who cares about all the smallest cracks in my heart, enough to send His spirit to do a great work in me, to heal and help those hurts.
Real joy comes from living a full and abundant life in The Lord.
And the hard part is, food will always be a part of that life.
So this walk,
This struggle,
This balance,
Will be ever constant.
But if I want that kind of true, feel it from the depths of your soul, perfect peace kind of joy,
I'm going to have to press in,
Depend on The Lord,
And remember where my true justification comes from.
