One Size Fits All

I joke about it a lot.

And I talk about it a lot.

And this blog post is in no way meant to sound like a plea for pity.

On the contrary, this blogpost is an expression of rejoicing.

I am rejoicing, because I have always had a problem with my weight.

Honestly, I don't remember a time that I wasn't overweight.

I remember having to shop in the women's section while I was still in elementary school.

I remember not being able to wear any of the clothes that the cool girls wore in middle school.

I remember crying because I couldn't find a prom dress in my size.

I remember telling people I was the "funny fat girl" and I actually enjoyed being known as that.

And I was fine with the way I looked until, well, I just wasn't anymore.

I don't know what changed- suddenly I just looked in the mirror and found that I wasn't OK being the largest person in my family.

I wasn't OK with not being able to shop in regular stores.

I wasn't OK with feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.

So I had to make a change.

And still everyday, some five years after I began this weight loss journey, I have to make a conscious decision.

I have to diet, when most of my friends don't have to.

I have to run, in order to keep fitting into those new jeans.

I have to realize that I will gain 6 pounds just by looking at a cookie.

And you know what- some days it sucks.

Somedays, I don't want to have to think about everything I put in my mouth.

Somedays, I don't want to have to work out to still be able to stay the same size.

Somedays, I wish that being healthy wasn't such a struggle.

Somedays, I wish that I could just be normal.

But then I realize- God designed me this way.

He gave me these challenges for a reason.

He created my metabolism, as slow and haggard as it is.

And through my changing body, and battle with food there are two things that I have realized.

God is unchanging, although my waist size may not be. ( "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" Hebrews 13:8).

And how God views me has always been the same, when I've been a size 22

Or a 14

Or a 6. ( " I am fearfully and wonderfully made" Psalm 139:14).

Do I wish that I never had to think about my weight?

Of course.

Would I give anything to not have to work out five times a week?

Duh.

How much would I give to be able to walk into a Krispy Kreme without joining a new weight class?

A lot of money.

But at the end of the day, I was created by a Lord that loves me, faithfully, and undeservingly.

And if the only way I could learn that, and fully grasp that, is by seeing that His love is the same, no matter my size,

Well, that trade off seems pretty fair to me.

Heartbreak University

So let's face it.

Sometimes in our lives, we have heartbreak.

Movies are dedicated to it.

Self help books love it.

Most country songs have it in their title.

Sometimes, we just don't get what we want.

I'd love to say that I've never had heartbreak in my life.

I'd love to say that I've never been disappointed.

I'd love to say that I didn't completely over dramatize these situations.

But alas, none of these things are true.

So be aware that this story I'm about to share is over dramatic.

I'm aware.

I know this is not real heartbreak.

But to a 17 year old, it sure feels close.

I went to a performing arts high school.

Ever seen Fame?

Pretty much like that.

Only instead of New York City, we were in the metropolis of Mableton Georgia.

Pretty much the same thing.

And I was convinced, as my senior year was quickly approaching, that I knew what I was going to be in my life.

I knew what the Lord had laid out before me.

I was going to be a musical theater major at one of the best schools in the country.

I was going to quickly jet set my way to New York City.

And after a few months in the city, I was going to land my first staring role on Broadway.

Because that's the way the world works right?

There was only one problem with this plan.

I was, rather large.

And I couldn't dance.

And a fat girl that can't dance isn't exactly on everyone's "to hire" list.

But I was convinced.

And I knew where the Lord wanted me to go to school.

Elon College.

They were a small school.

They sold Vera Bradley in the school store.

They had a quidditch team.

My tour guide looked like Jude Law.

Basically, I had found my perfect fit.

And so when my best friend Allison and I loaded up our jazz shoes and tights and leotards in our matching Vera Bradley totes and headed to auditions, I knew with full confidence that this was the place I was going to call home for the next four years.

And then, the audition happened.

And I may or may not have fallen several times during the dance audition.

And I may or may not have sung a song written for a middle aged black woman.

But yet, I was still completely confident.

Now, let me give you a little background on my best friend Allison.

Allison is one of the most talented women I've ever had the blessing of knowing. When I watch her perform, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord designed her to do so. It's effortless, like breathing for her.

When I performed, it looked like I was an asthmatic child after the mile run in PE.

So I shouldn't have been surprised when Allison received her acceptance letter to Elon, and my envolope was slightly smaller, with a slightly harsher message.

I didn't get in.

Actually, I didn't get in to any of the schools I'd auditioned for.

And Allison, because she is so wildly talented, got in to almost all of the ones she auditioned for.

Even my beloved Elon.

My heart was broken.

I cried.

I stress ate.

I burned my Elon sweatshirt in our fireplace. ( Drastic but true).

And through all of my overdramatic weeping and carrying on, I couldn't get past my own hurt to turn my head, and offer love to my best friend, who had achieved so many of her dreams.

Because my heart was so hurt, I couldn't love on one of the people I hold closest to my heart.

My heart was so selfish, that I coudn't see past my own heartbreak and look at the needs of others.

Today, when I was reading Matthew 14, I was struck by how lucky I am to serve a God whose love is so much more selfless then my own.

Let me break this down for you.

John the Baptist, the prophet the announced the name of Christ before His coming, the man that baptized Jesus, basically one of Jesus' best friends, had just been killed and beheaded.

And Jesus had just found out.

And as he was getting into a boat, to have some solitary alone time, to mourn the loss of His best friend, thousands of people that were sick and hurting came to Him for healing.

And Jesus, being the amazing savior that He is, pushed His own heartbreak aside, healed all of those people.

And when it came dinner time, He performed one of His greatest miracles, a story that those of us who grew up in church have heard hundreds of times.

15 As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

16 Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”17 “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

18 “Bring them here to me,” he said. 19 And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20 They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.

In His heartbreak, Jesus put these strangers ahead of Himself.

In His heartbreak, Jesus healed those who were hurting.

In His heartbreak, Jesus turned five loaves of bread and two fish into a meal that fed over 5,000.

In His heartbreak, Jesus fed over 5,000 from five loaves of bread and two fish with 12 basketsto spare, with bread overflowing.

In His heartbreak, Jesus had an overflowing love.

I find it so reassuring to know that a God who can love so greatly, even when His heart is hurting, holds my life in His hands.

I find it so reassuring that even in my selfishness, He is selflessly loving.

I find it so reassuring to know that the man that healed these thousands of people is constantly working on my heart, and when it's broken mends it.

And even when I fall in dance auditions,

And even when I'm heartbroken,

And even when it looks like my life isn't going at all like I had planned,

That the overflowing love of Jesus stays consistently the same.