Soul Ugly

I saw my ugly this morning.

Not my physical ugliness,

The deep,

Messy,

Soul ugliness that we all try to hide,

But it always manages to rear it's ugly head when we least expect it. 

And my own personal brand of ugly decided to make an appearance at the place where my brain goes to take a rest.

It showed up in the middle of the gym.

And I think that's the way our ugly likes to make it's appearance. 

In a place where we feel comfortable enough to let out our brains take a rest.

The place where we don't notice the ugly quite as easily.

My soul ugly first showed up in spits of anger,

Hateful and thrown at someone who had no idea they were entering into my ugly's path,

And then in morphed into sadness,

Shame,

A girl standing in the middle of the gym floor crying,

Silent tears that could have easily been mistaken for drops of sweat. 

My ugliness,

My soul ugly,

Made it's grand appearance because of one thing-

Failure.

And my disdain for even the smallest shred of evidence to point to the fact that I am capable of failure.

There's this fear wrapped up in failure.

This fear and this comparison.

She can do that, why can't I?

What will people think of me if I can't get this right?

What will that say about me?

And this fear is like fuel to my ugly's fire.

It's favorite kind of food.

My ugly's barbeque chicken pizza.

And when given even a taste,

Causes my ugly to go into a tailspin,

Resulting in silent tears on the floor of the gym. 

And as I sit and think about my ugly,

And why I continue to feed it what it wants, and what it needs,

I have to wonder,

Why am I so afraid of something that everyone does?

Why am I so afraid of something that binds us all together,

The fact that at some point,

We will all stumble,

We will all make mistakes,

We will all fail.

Failure is inevitable,

But failure doesn't have to be scary. 

Failure is not weakness,

It's the inability to see the humanness of failure that makes us weak,

And our ability to admit that we have  stumbled,

And made mistakes,

And fail,

And will continue to fail,

That makes us strong. 

The fear of failure,

Not the actual failure,

Holds us captive,

And makes us ugly,

Prisoners to our own inner critics,

Our own brand of soul ugly.

But somehow,

In the admitting that you are weak,

It makes you a little bit stronger.

Failure is inevitable.

But the fear of failure is a choice.

And the choice to choose fear,

Is a choice to remain a prisoner,

And a choice to continue to feed the ugly. 

So today, I make a choice.

Today I choose to show myself grace,

Today I choose to accept that failure is inevitable,

But that doesn't make me weak,

Or less then.

It makes me human.

Today I choose not to feed the soul ugly. 

And today I choose not to be a prisoner to my fear of failure.

Today, I'm choosing freedom.

"The Lord sets prisoners free" Psalms 147:7

Roller Derby Grace

Recently, I've gotten on this new kick. 

While I was standing in line at Starbucks, I saw a poster,

A flier to be a part of a women's roller derby team.

And I was immediately intrigued.

Women's roller derby is a high intensity, high impact sport that involves a group of women, skating around a track, trying to score points, and basically slamming each other into walls.

It's not pretty.

It's not sweet.

It's aggressive,

And rough,

And in your face,

And I want to do it.

Does it matter that I actually have no idea how to roller skate?

Not at all.

Because my imagination started working.

And as I shared my new found dream with friends and family,

I received mixed reviews.

Some looks of confusion,

Looks of excitement,

Looks of fear for my safety,

And the statement,

"That just seems so masculine. It's so aggressive".

And as I was reading the book of Romans this morning,

I felt OK sitting in the truth that that was exactly the kind of woman I wanted to be.

An aggressive woman.

As followers of Christ, we are called to be full of love, full of forgiveness, full of grace.

And I don't know about you, but when I picture a woman that looks like that, I always saw a woman that calmly and patiently loves, never raising her voice, never shaking things up.

And I found that picture a hard one to relate to,

Because I'm none of those things.

But I felt such freedom when I read this today. 

"By sin didn't, and doesn't, have a chance in competition with the aggressive forgiveness we call grace. When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down". ( Romans 5:21, The Message)

Grace is not soft.

Grace is not passive.

Grace is not easy.

Grace is aggressive.

Grace is aggressive because we have a God that aggressively loves.

A God that is not passive,

A God that chases after me even on my worst days.

A God that aggressively loves and chooses to compete with all the other things we put ahead of him,

And says " When you're ready, I'll be here".

But still,

Never stops loving.

So when I think about the kind of woman I want to be,

The kind of friend I want to be,

The kind of wife I want to be,

The kind of mother I want to be,

I want to aggressive.

I want to be a woman that aggressively loves.

That chooses to love,

Even when it's hard,

That choose to forgive,

Even when things are messy,

That chooses to be aggressive with grace,

And chases after it,

For myself,

And for others. 

Grace is like women's roller derby,

It's aggressive,

And rough,

And in your face,

And a great, great adventure. 

Tell Me Who I Am

I tend to look around me to see who I am.

It's a dangerous habit. 

A habit that can only end in confusion.

My parents tell me I'm one way,

But my friends tell me I'm different.

My grades tell me I'm smart,

But my choice to put handsoap in the dishwasher tells me different. 

My gym schedule tells me I'm fit,

But some days, the size of my thighs seem to say something completely different.

My job tells me I'm successful,

But that gnawing pit at the bottom of my stomach telling me I'm just not good enough tells me I'm not.

When I look around,

I tend to end up in a state of confusion.

But if I can't look to these things to tell me who I am,

Or what I am,

Then where do I look?

Where do I look for concrete and absolute truth,

A truth that no matter what the scale says,

Or no matter what my employment status is,

That will help me to remember who I am,

And what I am.

And today, I am reminded.

Today I am reminded to look at the cross.

Today I am reminded to look at the cross to tell me who I am.

The cross tells me I'm a sinner,

But the cross also tells me I'm forgiven.

The cross tells me I'm imperfect,

But the cross tells me I don't have to be.

The cross tells me I'm loved.

The cross tells me I'm treasured.

The cross tells me even at my loneliest, I'm thought of.

The cross tells me I am worthy.

The cross tells me that even my darkest secret is enough to make me unloveable.

The cross tells me who I am.

And because the cross tells me who k am,

It tells me who the God I serve is.

Because the cross tells me I'm loved, it tells me I have a God that is loving.

Because the cross tells I'm treasured, it tells me that I have a God that can see past the mess and treasure a woman who has screwed up time and time again.

Because the cross tells me I am thought of, it tells me I have a God that while he was busy designing the world, he placed fireflies on the earth because one day, there would be girl who loved nothing more then to see the sparkling reminders of summer nights.

Because the cross tells me I'm worthy, it tells me I have a God who loves me just the way I am.

Because the cross tells me that even at my darkest hour I am loveable, it tells me I have a God whose love is not based on jobs,

Or looks,

Or good deeds,

Or relationship status,

Or degrees,

Or my past,

Because of the cross, I see a God whose love is pure,

And holy,

And full of truth. 

And in that moment of truth,

I can look around and see,

When the world tries to tell me who I am,

Or what I am.

I can be reminded that I already know who I am.

Because the cross reminds me who my God is.

You Are Not Enough

Today is one of those days where I just wanted to throw up my hands and quit.

Today is one of those days where I saw constant reminders of my flaws,

Where I lack,

Where I'm not enough.

 I'm not organized enough.

 I'm not clean enough.

 I'm not nice enough.

I'm not responsible enough.

I'm just not enough.

And everywhere I turned,

My already sensitive heart seemed to pick out the reminders of that.

I carry this flaw,

The flaw that no matter how fast I run,

No matter how much I chase,

No matter how much I try,

I will never be able to do it all.

And that moment,

That realization,

Is humbling,

And scary,

And downright heartbreaking.

That even when all of my cylinders are going at full speed,

I will never get it all done.

That even when I feel like I'm accomplishing the most,

Something will be left behind.

That even at my very best,

I will never be enough for everyone.

And that thought can be paralyzing,

And result in tearful phone calls in a Target parking lot.

Or that realization,

That humbling,

Scary,

Downright heartbreaking realization,

Can be our first step into freedom.

You are not enough.

But, you don't have to be.

You will never get it all done.

But that's alright.

You will never be everything for everyone.

And that's how it should be.

You will trip,

You will fall,

You will side swipe cars at Target,

Because you are not supposed to be able to do it all.

You are not enough, because if you were,

Having a God that is,

A God that is big enough,

Strong enough,

Loving enough,

Merciful enough,

Kind enough,

Omniscient enough,

To help us walk through any rough day,

Any heartbreak,

Any success,

Any grand adventures,

Or great failures,

Wouldn't be as amazing.

You are not enough.

And you will have days that show you that.

Because sometimes we need to be reminded that our God is enough,

And even in our failings,

And even in our shortcomings,

And even in our irrational breakdowns in Target parking lots,

When we come face to face with the fact that we are not enough,

Is when we come face to face with a God that is.

In the eyes of the world, we may not be enough.

But when we have a God that is,

Somehow we become enough too.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. " 2 Corinthians 2:9

Before and After

Sometimes, I seperate myself into two different Katie's,

Before Katie and After Katie,

Katie before the weightloss and Katie after the weightloss

Before Katie was unhealthy.

After Katie is healthy.

Before Katie was self conscious,

After Katie is confident.

Before Katie hid her hurts behind cleaverly veiled humor,

After Katie recognizes her vulnerability to talk about those hurts is what makes her beautiful. 

And I tend to live everyday trying not to go back to becoming Before Katie.

Working out,

Trying not to eat too much pizza,

Trying to live truthfully and honestly,

Attempting to make up for those years I spent yearning to be After Katie,

But never knowing how to make that first step.

And, if I have to be truthful,

A lot of this striving,

And working,

And attempting,

Comes from a place of fear.

If those numbers on the scale creep back up, you'll become Before Katie again,

Unhealthy,

Insecure,

Hidden.

If you let yourself slip, you'll slip back into your old routines.

And if I had to be completely truthful,

There's this competition and fear that lives in the Before and After.

Before Katie was hidden.

After Katie is seen.

And if I go back to being Before Katie, I'll no longer be seen,

I'll no longer be chosen,

I'll no longer be loved.

And today, God showed opened my eyes to the lies I continue to tell myself,

And shown the light on the truth.

That even in my unhealthiness, I was seen as whole. 

That even in my insecurities, I was treasured.

Even in my hiding I was seen.

That in God's eyes, there is no Before Katie and After Katie.

In God's eyes,

There is only a Chosen Katie,

A Seen Katie,

A Loved Katie,

And that Katie is the same in the before and the after,

Because her God is the same in the before and the after.

 

And the truth is, even if the numbers on the scale creep back up,

And becomes higher then the numbers Before Katie saw,

That I am still chosen.  

And still seen.

And still loved. 

Because in God's eyes, there is no before and after.

Because I was loved the same,

The whole entire time.

"Say of your sisters, " You are my loved one" Hosea 1:11

Live: A Definition

Adult life is hard,

Adult life is difficult.

And adult life is different then I imagined.

There's a routine,

Get up.

Go to the gym.

Go to work.

Go home.

Go to bed.

And of course, there's a few moments of change in that routine.

But in all of the words of wisdom I got about what it means to be an adult,

There was one piece of advice I never heard.

Remember how you want to live.

Because in the midst of the everyday life,

In the midst of work,

In the midst of bills,

In the midst of grocery shopping,

In the midst of doing all of the things necessary to lead a stable life,

I've forgotten how to live.

And today I came across this verse, and I was reminded of a simple truth.

"Since I live, you will also live" ( John 14:20)

Because Jesus rose and died again, I'm offered life.

Because Jesus lives,

I also live.

And the beautiful thing about that,

The beautiful thing about this offer of life,

Is not not everyone's definition of life has to be identical.

There are the basics that are same,

But when God created each of us individually,

Designed us uniquely,

He created us with passions that make us excited to get of bed in the morning, 

He created us with hopes and dreams,

He created us with a desire to live, and live fully.

And sometimes, 

In order to truly live, and live fully,

We have to step back,

And define with that looks like for us.

I have to define what it means for me to truly live.

To truly live, I need community.

I need to be surrounded by people, who know me intimately,

Who knows what makes me laugh,

What makes me cry,

Who will bring me a Diet Coke to celebrate,

And a Diet Coke when I need to mourn.

To truly live,

I need people who walk with me through seasons of life,

In the good,

The bad,

And the ugly.

To truly live, I need to constantly learn.

To learn about myself,

To learn about others,

And to learn about those passions that I think about when I get out of the bed in the morning.

To truly live, I need to be intentional about time by myself,

Time spent alone,

Time spent away from the distractions of a busy world,

That tells it's not OK to sit still,

That busy is better,

And another Netflix binge will fill my time when I feel lonely,

Instead of learning to sit in that loneliness,

And embrace the time alone.

To truly live, I need to write,

To craft sentences,

To edit and erase,

Write and start over,

Because that's where I can best hear the whispers of God in the middle of the noise I surround myself with.

To truly live, I need to dream.

I need to dream of a future,

A future full of dream of adventures,

Of spontaneous trips,

Of open doors,

And full houses.

To truly live, I need to remember

Remember who I am,

And where I came from.

I need to remember that every day is a part of the journey, and that's part of the beauty.

To truly live I need to remember that my dreams don't have to be in the future.

I need to remember that all of those things can be part of my life in the here and now.

To live, I need to choose.

Choose what brings me joy.

Choose what makes me full.

Choose what brings me life.

To live, I need to define what to truly live looks like to me.

Because in the midst of the everyday life,

In the midst of work,

In the midst of bills,

In the midst of grocery shopping,

In the midst of doing all of the things necessary to lead a stable life,

It's easy to forget.

So, what's your definition of what it means to live?

What do you need to live life fully?

And how will you choose not to forget?

Senior Year of Real Life

A few days ago, a friend from college texted me.

A friend that I met on my first day of freshman year.

A friend who I didn't know at the time would be a key staple of college.

A friend, despite all of his quirks,

Has taught me what true friendship can look like.

What friendship can look like when you're different as can be,

But still manage to find the beauty in those differences.

And this friend,

This quirky,

Talented,

Comic book reading friend,

Sent me a text that caused my heart to stop.

"Katie, we've been out of college for four years. That's enough time for us to do college all over again".

And then,

In his usual persistent fashion,

A follow up text,

"What have you learned in the last four years?"

I haven't sent a return text yet.

Partly due to the fact that I'm generally highly unskilled at the art of text message conversation.

But much more largely due to the fact that the question made me stop and think.

What have I learned in these first four years of adulthood,

These first four years of "real life?"

What have I learned in the the four years after the four years that are supposed to be the best of your life?

What have I learned, since I was that 22 year old girl, marching across the graduation stage in her cap and gown and cowboy boots?

I have learned that sometimes your home isn't always isn't as permanent as you wish.

And when you leave, and start to try tp make a new place home, your heart stretches trying to make room for this new place and new people,

And although that stretching may be painful,

There's always room for both places,

Both of your heart homes.

I have learned that sometimes God answers prays in small and intimate ways,

And sometimes those prayers are answered quickly, and  you feel like God is so incredibly faithful,

But sometimes those prayers are answered only after being prayed with a soundtrack of tears and consistent asking, until you feel like you can't ask anymore,

But yet,

They are still answered,

In one way or another.

I've learned to never mistake dishwashing fluid for hand soap.

And never try to restart the dishwasher after thinking you've cleaned out all the bubbles, because I promise, you never get all the bubbles.

I've learned that pinterest can be the biggest blessing, and also, the biggest curse.

(Side note- If I continue to pin hundreds of recipes, will any of them  ever actually get made?)

I've learned that sometimes, loneliness is part of life,

And everyone feels it at one point or another,

But yet, no one really wants to talk about it.

I've learned that adult life is scary,

But no one really wants to talk about that either.

But I've learned that it's in those moments.

Those moments where you open up,

And share your heart,

Your fears,

Your dreams with others,

Open up your world just a little bit more,

Where the person sitting across the table isn't perfect,

But in their flaws,

You can see their beauty.

I've learned that friendships are hard when you don't live down the hall from your people,

And you can't just skip class to spend time together.

There is no dining hall in the adult world, where you run into all of your friends if you stay there long enough.

I've learned that real friendships, true friendships, take time,

And intentionality.

And sometimes, all friendships aren't meant to last throughout your entire life.

Some friendships are meant for seasons,

But that doesn't make those friendships any less sweet.

I've learned that coffee really is a gift from God,

And sometimes, there is a thing as too much Diet Coke.

I've learned I'm worth doors being held open,

I'm worth being told I'm beautiful,

But that worth doesn't come from the person holding the doors,

And saying the sweet words,

That worth comes from my identity in Christ, and the fact that I am loved and created by a God who sees and knows my intimately.

I've learned that sometimes God feels present, so close you feel like you could reach out and touch,

And sometimes He feels so far away that you can do nothing but sit and pray for some sort of reminder that He is actually there,

But yet,

He is still there.

I've learned to grow,

I've learned to change,

I've learned that life never looks like you think it's going to,

And sometimes you end up in jobs,

And cities,

And relationships,

That you never saw coming,

But it's in those surprises,

That holds life sweetness.

So as I sit, four years after graduation,

Four years into "real life",

Four years after leaving the place where I sat in a classroom and learned for four amazing years,

I have to think,

That life is about learning,

And if these are only the first four years of "real life",

I can't wait to see what kind of learning the next four years hold.

And David, I'm sorry I never returned your text.

But consider this your answer to your question.