Love List

This morning, I woke up ready to take on the world.

This morning, I woke up full of joy.

This morning, I woke up grateful.

Grateful for 5 AM alarm clocks.

Grateful for freshly made beds.

Grateful for a good long workout.

Grateful for the day ahead.

But suddenly, with one swift look in the mirror, that gratefulness was gone.

Something today, for some reason, just didn't meet my extremely high standards I set for myself.

And the thoughts started to rush through my head-

"You've worked out every day, why are your thighs still that size?"

"Maybe if you hadn't eaten ice cream for dinner two days this week,  you would feel better when you looked in the mirror."

"Time to start that next diet."

Just like that,

With one glance,

My joy,

My gratefulness,

Was gone.

I've recently begun reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp,

An amazingly crafted book about one women's search for joy,

For gratitude,

For thankfulness.

And as I sat reading this morning,

I realized,

How is it that I can find gratefulness for the small things in life,

The freshly made beds,

The long workouts of the worlds,

But yet,

I have such a hard time feeling that same gratefulness for my own body?

How is it that I can see and appreciate God's handiwork in what other's would call mundane,

But when I look in the mirror, I forget what I've preached to my friends,

And my high school girls,

And women in my small group,

Over and over again?

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are handcrafted by the same God that aligned the stars,

You were designed by the same God that designed fireflies on warm summer nights,

And the Grand Canyon, in all of it's vast expansive wonder

And that first ray of sun, peeking through the clouds after it's rained for what feels like forever?

When did I forget to learn,

The same thing applies to me?

And when I read this section from One Thousand Gifts, I was reminded,

Reminded and inspired.

""I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little". ( Phillipians 4:11-12)

I read it many times, groping for the latch.

There it is- the secret to living joy in every situation, the full life of gratefulness. Twice Paul whispers it: " I have learned". Learned. I would have to learn gratefulness"".

Somehow, in my weight loss journey,

In my hunt for health,

I forget to step back and learn,

What, no matter what weight I'm at,

Do I love about myself?

What, no matter how many times I get to the gym that week?

Am I grateful for?

What, no matter what the size the tag in my jeans read,

Do I thank God for,

See as His handiwork,

Recognize as fearfully and wonderfully made?

So today, I choose to learn.

In One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp sets out to make a list of 1000 things she is grateful for,

1000 gifts.

Today, as self centered as it may sound,

I choose to learn what I love about myself.

I choose to make a list of things that I love, 

Not about my personality,

Not about my skills,

That would be easy,

That would be safe.

Today, I choose to make a list of things about my body, 

That I love.

That I see as wonderful,

That gives me a sense of gratefulness and awe,

That is scary,

And that is hard,

And gives me a pit in my stomach about actually posting this blog post.

But, I have to choose to learn.

I have to choose to remember.

I have to choose to believe.

That I was designed by the creator of the Universe.

Today I choose to learn,

To continue this list,

To practice gratefulness,

And joy.

Today I choose to learn to love.

I don't have a number of items on the list I want to reach.

I'm not sure it's really about the number.

I think it's more about my heart.

And so, in full honesty,

I choose to share my first five items on my love list.

My first step on my journey,

My choice to learn,

How to truly love.

Love List

1.My dimples,  and how deeply inset they are in my cheeks.

2.My small wrists,  that are, dare I say, dainty.

3. My eyelashes- they rock. Really, they're long and mascara loves them.

4. My legs, strong enough to do 40 burpee box jumps.

5.  My eyebrows, that never have to be filled in.


The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Taste And See

Recently, I've developed a fear.

A fear that is not healthy.

A fear this is not productive.

A fear that is slightly weird.

Recently, I've been afraid of anything that tastes too good.

Weight loss has been a big part of my story,

A big part of my life change,

A big part of my walk with the Lord.

And through this life change,

I've learned to fear anything that tastes too good.

Because anything that tastes too good is full of calories,

And sugar,

And regret.

And so I feel like I live life teetering on the edge,

A tightrope walk.

Give into the cravings enough so that you don't let the cravings overtake you,

Have a cookie,

But make sure it's sugar free.

Enjoy the cake,

But you better stop at one bite.

Because anything that tastes too good,

Will send you spiraling back to the person that you used to be.

And as I sit here today,

I have to look at this fear,

And look at this way of life,

With complete honesty and realize,

What a sad way that is to live.

A life of fear,

A life of teetering,

A life of tightrope walking.

Turning something that is meant to bring joy,

Into something that brings fear.

And I think that sometimes,

I look at a lot of blessings from the Lord in this same way.

What is this new job is too good?

What if this new relationship feels too right?

What if this season of life is just too happy?

What if I give in,

Completely sit in the blessings,

Only to loose my footing,

And wind up in a place of loss,

And longing,

And regret?

But I think the bigger question is this-

What happens if I don't?

What happens if I don't sit and enjoy the blessings,

Take the leap,

Take a bite,

Savor the taste,

Because I'm too busy living in fear of what may happen?

Then I live a life of fear.

A life full of swallowing what may be's,

Instead of a life of tasting the joy,

Tasting the blessings,

Tasting the goodness,

So today, I choose to taste.

I choose to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8).

And today tastes like a warm, nutty cup of coffee I sip while I write this very post.

Today tastes like the comfort of life long friends who call just because.

Today tastes like the sweetness of butterflies in your stomach and across the table gazes.

Today tastes like the richness of getting to know a Lord who loves me so dearly He gives me blessings just because.

Blessings that can be free from fear.

Today tastes warm,

Today tastes like comfort.

Today tastes sweet.

Today tastes rich.

Today tastes good.

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 

Psalm 34:8

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Sitting in Sweetness

Today, I'm sitting in sweetness.

A season where life just feels full. 

I have a job I love, a new adventure that as I lay my head down at night, I feel exhausted, and so very fulfilled.

I've gotten to see God answer prayers, prayers that I was almost too exhausted to ask again, prayers that felt impossible, prayers that were answered as God often does;

Effortlessly,

And timely,

And in a personal,

And so very intimate way.

My heart feels full. 

Today I'm smack dab in the middle of a season of sweetness.

But as I looked back at blogposts over the last year, I remembered the moments that led up to this season.

And those were anything but sweet.

They were full of tears,

And frustration,

And confusion,

And changing of plans,

And letting go of dreams.

Those moments were hard to swallow,

And difficult to accept.

Those moments were bitter.

But as I sit here today,

I have to stop and think.

I have to wonder.

Would I recognize the sweetness, if I hadn't felt the bitter?

Would I have seen the prayers answered, 

If I hadn't first prayed those prayers on tear stained journal pages?

Would my heart feel as full right now,

If at one time, it hadn't felt just a little by empty?

So maybe,

In a way,

My prayers aren't being answered in this season of sweetness.

Maybe my prayers were being answered in a season of bitter,

But I just had to come out on the other side to recognize it. 

Maybe the sweetest times aren't when you're sitting in the middle of the sweetness.

Maybe the sweetest times are when you're in the middle of the bitterness, because those times are so very necessary to being able to see the moments of sweetness. 

So maybe in my next season where life feels hard to swallow,

Or hard to accept,

Maybe in the next season where life just looks bitter,

I can sit, 

And wait,

And recognize,

That this might be the sweetest season yet. 

Because it's because of the bitter,

Not in spite of it,

That you'll be able to see the sweet. 

Heard By God

Today, I sit in a place of gratefulness.

A place of complete and utter contentment.

In the middle of the craziness,

In the middle of the busyness,

In the middle of all the new,

I feel so very grateful,

So very known,

So very remembered.

I was reading the story of Hannah,

A woman who longed for a son.

A woman who sat,

Year after year,

And prayed

For a child.

And Hannah, in the middle of her complete and utter despair,

Continued to cry out to the Lord,

Continued to ask for her greatest hearts desire,

Continued to "pour out her soul to The Lord". ( 1st Samuel 1:15).

And the Bible tells us that in the middle of the suffering,

In the middle of the despair,

"The Lord remembered her".

And she was given a son.

Samuel.

And I can only imagine that moment for Hannah.

The moment when she looked down at the baby in her arms,

And saw the culmination of all her prayers,

Of all her tears,

Of all her waiting.

She saw clear and tangible evidence,

That the Lord loved her,

And heard her,

And remembered her.

And today, I feel that same way.

When I first moved, it was hard.

I left my home,

My people,

My comfort,

For something new.

Any many tears,

And moments of emotional eating,

Were involved,

And my constant prayer,

My constant crying out to the Lord was a simple, but large prayer-

"Make this place a home to me."

And this morning,

I saw clear and tangible evidence,

That my prayers,

My crying out,

Was heard.

And they seem small,

But as I look back on them now,

They seem so very personal to me.

When I was at the gym,

I saw two people I knew.

 I got recognized by a barista at Starbucks.

 I have friends that I feel comfortable enough with to invite myself over to their house to dinner tonight.

And as I sit here today,

I realized,

This place,

Is not so new anymore.

This place,

is not so unknown.

This place,

is slowly becoming a home.

And while all of these instances may seem small,

They make me feel so loved,

So heard,

So very remembered,

By the same Lord that heard Hannah's prayers,

And hears yours.

"And the Lord remembered her"

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Little Hints of Heaven

I don't know a lot of things.

And as I get older, it becomes clearer and clearer that I know less and less then I thought I did.

I'm in no way an expert,

In no way a theologian,

In no way a person that should have any sort of authority over anything in the Bible.

But tonight,

I was thinking about heaven.

What will it be like?

What does God say about it?

Why is it that people talk about this place they've never been with such assuredness,

Such hope,

When really, we have no idea?

The bible doesn't say that much about it,

Doesn't give many details.

But, I think part of the mystique of heaven is that we really have no idea.

That we have faith in knowing that whatever is before us,

Is better then what we left behind.

But I also think that God knows that we are impatient people,

Nosy,

And anxious,

To see what's ahead.

And tonight, I had a moment.

It was brief,

And simple,

And to the outside world, would have appeared as nothing quite special.

But tonight, I think I got my own personal taste of what heaven will be like.

I think at times,

We get hints.

Little glimpses of heaven here on Earth.

A piece of perfect.

A moment of stillness.

A brief and utter confidence that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

And I don't think these glimpses,

Theses pieces.

These moments,

Look the same to everyone.

Honestly, I think it would be boring if they did.

And I believe that the God that loves me abundantly,

Is also one of abundant creativity,

And abundant surprises,

Wouldn't give me a hint of His creative love,

With anything less then something innately personal to me.

And I find such joy in that.

And excitement,

To look for those little glimpses of heaven,

The pieces,

The moments where I so personally feel God's love,

That it can't be anything but.

The glimpses,

The pieces,

The moments,

That I know are meant just for me.

The glimpses,

The pieces,

The moments,

Where everything just feels,

Right,

Perfect,

Heavenly.

And that gives me hope.

Hope not just for the future,

And the mystical, perfect place that lies ahead.

But hope for the right now,

Hope for my current season,

Hope for my current struggles,

Hope for whatever I happen to be walking through,

Hope knowing that I serve a God that loves me enough,

To send me little hints of heaven.

Small Answers

Last night, God answered one of my prayers.

It was a small prayer,

A prayer that I hadn't given a ton of thought,

A prayer that popped into my head as I was finishing up,

An answer, that not given much thought, could have gone unnoticed.

But, it was an answered prayer never the less.

A clear and tangible answer.

A clear and tangible example of God's love.

A clear and tangible example of God's provision.

A clear and tangible example, that when I ask,

Even off handedly,

The Lord cares.

I think that's what I love most about the Christmas season.

It's full of clear and tangible examples of love,

Of provision,

Of caring.

It's the time of the year that people go out of their way to tell someone they miss them,

Or that they're thinking about them,

Or that their presence in their life really makes a difference,

And maybe it's because I'm a person that loves gifts,

And a person that loves surprises,

But every single Christmas card that comes in the mail  feels like a clear and tangible example,

A soft and tiny whisper that says,

I love you,

I'm thinking about you.

I care about you.

And this tangibility that comes with Christmas is not surprising to me,

Because when you think about it,

Christmas is a yearly reminder that our God is one that loves clear and tangible answers,

Clear and tangible examples,

Clear and tangible reminders,

Of His love for us.

Christmas is a clear and tangible reminder,

That we serve a God that loved us so much,

That he sent His only son to Earth,

That we serve a God that listens,

And loves,

And provides,

And sent an answer to so many prayers,

In the form of a baby.

And that answer that changed the way we look at prayer,

Changed the way we look at love,

Changed the way we look at God.

So my prayer this Christmas season,

Is that my eyes will be opened,

To clear and tangible answers to prayer,

And my heart will be reminded of the clear and tangible answer,

That started it all.

Isaiah 7:14New International Version (NIV)

14 Therefore the Lord himself will give you[ a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

A Thanksgiving Prayer

It's that time of the year.

The time of the year that we attempt to slow down,

Sit back,

And reflect.

What are we blessed with?

What are we grateful for?

What are those bright and shiny moments,

the glitter in the everyday,

That makes the hard just a little less hard,

The moments that turn a life that could appear mundane,

Into a grand and epic adventure.

And as I'm sitting here,

In the midst of a lot of new,

A lot of the glitter,

Sitting smack dab in the middle of my grand and epic adventure,

 I sit back,

And say a Thanksgiving prayer.

A muddled,

Mixed up,

Hazy prayer.

A prayer that in the spirit of the holiday,

Is full of gratefulness,

But also a longing,

A request,

Not just for myself,

But for those that I love.

Because in these moments of new,

The moments of constant moving,

Constant action,

Constant introductions and initial meetings,

Constant awkward first conversations,

Slowly shifting into comfortable silence

I've found something precious.

In these moments where I've felt lost,

From the smallest decisions as to how to get to the grocery store,

To how to begin to call a new place home, when it still feels so foreign,

I've found something intimate,

A gift from the Lord,

Sent when I needed it most.

In the midst of the chaos, I've found peace.

In the midst of the new, I've found a constant.

In the midst of the weary, I've found refreshment.

And that my friends, is my Thanksgiving prayer for you.

That while you're taking time to be intentional in remembering to be thankful,

That you're taking time to seek refreshment.

While you're surrounded by those that mean the most,

You soak in every moment,

Look from face to face around the table,

And remember,

And thank,

And feel an overwhelming sense of love,

An overwhelming sense of security,

An overwhelming " time of refreshing may come from the Lord" ( Acts 3:19)

Because that my friends, is something to be so incredibly grateful for.




The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.