Before and After

Sometimes, I seperate myself into two different Katie's,

Before Katie and After Katie,

Katie before the weightloss and Katie after the weightloss

Before Katie was unhealthy.

After Katie is healthy.

Before Katie was self conscious,

After Katie is confident.

Before Katie hid her hurts behind cleaverly veiled humor,

After Katie recognizes her vulnerability to talk about those hurts is what makes her beautiful. 

And I tend to live everyday trying not to go back to becoming Before Katie.

Working out,

Trying not to eat too much pizza,

Trying to live truthfully and honestly,

Attempting to make up for those years I spent yearning to be After Katie,

But never knowing how to make that first step.

And, if I have to be truthful,

A lot of this striving,

And working,

And attempting,

Comes from a place of fear.

If those numbers on the scale creep back up, you'll become Before Katie again,

Unhealthy,

Insecure,

Hidden.

If you let yourself slip, you'll slip back into your old routines.

And if I had to be completely truthful,

There's this competition and fear that lives in the Before and After.

Before Katie was hidden.

After Katie is seen.

And if I go back to being Before Katie, I'll no longer be seen,

I'll no longer be chosen,

I'll no longer be loved.

And today, God showed opened my eyes to the lies I continue to tell myself,

And shown the light on the truth.

That even in my unhealthiness, I was seen as whole. 

That even in my insecurities, I was treasured.

Even in my hiding I was seen.

That in God's eyes, there is no Before Katie and After Katie.

In God's eyes,

There is only a Chosen Katie,

A Seen Katie,

A Loved Katie,

And that Katie is the same in the before and the after,

Because her God is the same in the before and the after.

 

And the truth is, even if the numbers on the scale creep back up,

And becomes higher then the numbers Before Katie saw,

That I am still chosen.  

And still seen.

And still loved. 

Because in God's eyes, there is no before and after.

Because I was loved the same,

The whole entire time.

"Say of your sisters, " You are my loved one" Hosea 1:11