For Such A Time As This

I'm going to warn you ahead of time.

This blog will be painfully honest.

Almost so much so that I want to close my iPad right now,

Curl up in my bed,

Turn on some Criminal Minds,

And forget that God ever laid this on my heart.

This will probably be as close to opening up my prayer journal and reading it aloud as I'll ever get.

But, I'm working on this whole intimacy thing.

And what's more intimate then sharing your deep thoughts with the World Wide Web?

All I can do, at this point, is pray that my honesty will allow The Lord to work in someone's life, in some way.

Because heaven knows I would not be writing this if it hasn't been laid on my heart so heavily.

I think every single woman has those thoughts.

You know the ones.

The ones that manages to take every shred of your singleness and lay the blame squarely upon your own shoulders.

If I looked different, I'd probably be dating someone.

If I was as pretty as her, this whole dating thing would be easier.

If I just, well, wasn't me, I'd probably be married by now.

But of course, we don't tell people that.

We don't dare share those thoughts aloud.

Because clearly, we are the only one who have these thoughts.

Instead, we mask our insecurities in cleverly veiled disguises like,

I'm ready to date, I just haven't met the right person.

All the good guys are taken.

I like being single. I don't have to think about anyone else.

And sure, that may be true for some people,

But there is some God given desire placed down at the bottom of a women's heart to be cherished,

And loved,

And wooed,

And pursued

By a man.

And when no man is cherishing,

And loving

And wooing

And pursuing,

Our fragile hearts tend to fold,

And we have to think

It must be something I'm doing.

Sure, this takes the whole feminist generation back a few steps,

But I believe it's true,

And I know it's something I've been struggling with.

Looking in the mirror and not feeling like enough.

Looking at a man, and not thinking you're worthy of their attention.

Hiding yourself in food,

Or working out,

Or work,

To over compensate, to prove that there is nothing in your life missing.

When really, all you can think is-

When will that person come into my life?

When will I be pursued like I desire to be?

Why isn't anyone showing me any sort of romantic attention?

When will I finally be enough?

Honestly, as self confident as I am,

These seeds of doubt have taken root into my heart,

And it's taken everything inside of me to try and figure out a way to get rid of those fears,

And those anxieties,

And those insecurities.

And I'm still working on it.

But the only way I can think to change the way I view myself,

Is to turn the mirror around,

And try and see myself the way my Heavenly Father,

The Creator,

The Sustainer,

My Abba,

sees me.

I am chosen. ( 1 Peter 2:9)

Fearfully and wonderfully made. ( Psalm 139: 13-16)

Prosperous. ( Jeremiah 29:11)

Seen. ( 1 Samuel 16:7)

Dearly loved. ( Colossians 3:12)

Created in the image of God. ( Genesis 1:27)

Beautiful. (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

And while somedays,

Like today,

I might not look in the mirror and see all those things.

And while that desire to be loved, wooed and pursued may not diminish,

I'm trying to rest in the fact that the creator of Niagara Falls,

And the Grand Canyon,

And the Northern Lights,

And the Great Barrier Reef,

And every amazing creation man has ever laid eyes on,

Considers me more beautiful, and valuable, and lovely, then all of those wonders put together.

I'm trying to hang my hat on that fact.

Somedays it's not easy.

But I'm pretty sure the God that formed the whole world in 7 days isn't one to put people in their situations on accident.

So for now, I'm going to try and rest in the fact, knowing that I am here,

Single,

Not Dating,

Two things I'd rather not be,

Because God wants me this way,

"For such a time as this" ( Esther 4:14)