Live: A Definition

Adult life is hard,

Adult life is difficult.

And adult life is different then I imagined.

There's a routine,

Get up.

Go to the gym.

Go to work.

Go home.

Go to bed.

And of course, there's a few moments of change in that routine.

But in all of the words of wisdom I got about what it means to be an adult,

There was one piece of advice I never heard.

Remember how you want to live.

Because in the midst of the everyday life,

In the midst of work,

In the midst of bills,

In the midst of grocery shopping,

In the midst of doing all of the things necessary to lead a stable life,

I've forgotten how to live.

And today I came across this verse, and I was reminded of a simple truth.

"Since I live, you will also live" ( John 14:20)

Because Jesus rose and died again, I'm offered life.

Because Jesus lives,

I also live.

And the beautiful thing about that,

The beautiful thing about this offer of life,

Is not not everyone's definition of life has to be identical.

There are the basics that are same,

But when God created each of us individually,

Designed us uniquely,

He created us with passions that make us excited to get of bed in the morning, 

He created us with hopes and dreams,

He created us with a desire to live, and live fully.

And sometimes, 

In order to truly live, and live fully,

We have to step back,

And define with that looks like for us.

I have to define what it means for me to truly live.

To truly live, I need community.

I need to be surrounded by people, who know me intimately,

Who knows what makes me laugh,

What makes me cry,

Who will bring me a Diet Coke to celebrate,

And a Diet Coke when I need to mourn.

To truly live,

I need people who walk with me through seasons of life,

In the good,

The bad,

And the ugly.

To truly live, I need to constantly learn.

To learn about myself,

To learn about others,

And to learn about those passions that I think about when I get out of the bed in the morning.

To truly live, I need to be intentional about time by myself,

Time spent alone,

Time spent away from the distractions of a busy world,

That tells it's not OK to sit still,

That busy is better,

And another Netflix binge will fill my time when I feel lonely,

Instead of learning to sit in that loneliness,

And embrace the time alone.

To truly live, I need to write,

To craft sentences,

To edit and erase,

Write and start over,

Because that's where I can best hear the whispers of God in the middle of the noise I surround myself with.

To truly live, I need to dream.

I need to dream of a future,

A future full of dream of adventures,

Of spontaneous trips,

Of open doors,

And full houses.

To truly live, I need to remember

Remember who I am,

And where I came from.

I need to remember that every day is a part of the journey, and that's part of the beauty.

To truly live I need to remember that my dreams don't have to be in the future.

I need to remember that all of those things can be part of my life in the here and now.

To live, I need to choose.

Choose what brings me joy.

Choose what makes me full.

Choose what brings me life.

To live, I need to define what to truly live looks like to me.

Because in the midst of the everyday life,

In the midst of work,

In the midst of bills,

In the midst of grocery shopping,

In the midst of doing all of the things necessary to lead a stable life,

It's easy to forget.

So, what's your definition of what it means to live?

What do you need to live life fully?

And how will you choose not to forget?

Senior Year of Real Life

A few days ago, a friend from college texted me.

A friend that I met on my first day of freshman year.

A friend who I didn't know at the time would be a key staple of college.

A friend, despite all of his quirks,

Has taught me what true friendship can look like.

What friendship can look like when you're different as can be,

But still manage to find the beauty in those differences.

And this friend,

This quirky,

Talented,

Comic book reading friend,

Sent me a text that caused my heart to stop.

"Katie, we've been out of college for four years. That's enough time for us to do college all over again".

And then,

In his usual persistent fashion,

A follow up text,

"What have you learned in the last four years?"

I haven't sent a return text yet.

Partly due to the fact that I'm generally highly unskilled at the art of text message conversation.

But much more largely due to the fact that the question made me stop and think.

What have I learned in these first four years of adulthood,

These first four years of "real life?"

What have I learned in the the four years after the four years that are supposed to be the best of your life?

What have I learned, since I was that 22 year old girl, marching across the graduation stage in her cap and gown and cowboy boots?

I have learned that sometimes your home isn't always isn't as permanent as you wish.

And when you leave, and start to try tp make a new place home, your heart stretches trying to make room for this new place and new people,

And although that stretching may be painful,

There's always room for both places,

Both of your heart homes.

I have learned that sometimes God answers prays in small and intimate ways,

And sometimes those prayers are answered quickly, and  you feel like God is so incredibly faithful,

But sometimes those prayers are answered only after being prayed with a soundtrack of tears and consistent asking, until you feel like you can't ask anymore,

But yet,

They are still answered,

In one way or another.

I've learned to never mistake dishwashing fluid for hand soap.

And never try to restart the dishwasher after thinking you've cleaned out all the bubbles, because I promise, you never get all the bubbles.

I've learned that pinterest can be the biggest blessing, and also, the biggest curse.

(Side note- If I continue to pin hundreds of recipes, will any of them  ever actually get made?)

I've learned that sometimes, loneliness is part of life,

And everyone feels it at one point or another,

But yet, no one really wants to talk about it.

I've learned that adult life is scary,

But no one really wants to talk about that either.

But I've learned that it's in those moments.

Those moments where you open up,

And share your heart,

Your fears,

Your dreams with others,

Open up your world just a little bit more,

Where the person sitting across the table isn't perfect,

But in their flaws,

You can see their beauty.

I've learned that friendships are hard when you don't live down the hall from your people,

And you can't just skip class to spend time together.

There is no dining hall in the adult world, where you run into all of your friends if you stay there long enough.

I've learned that real friendships, true friendships, take time,

And intentionality.

And sometimes, all friendships aren't meant to last throughout your entire life.

Some friendships are meant for seasons,

But that doesn't make those friendships any less sweet.

I've learned that coffee really is a gift from God,

And sometimes, there is a thing as too much Diet Coke.

I've learned I'm worth doors being held open,

I'm worth being told I'm beautiful,

But that worth doesn't come from the person holding the doors,

And saying the sweet words,

That worth comes from my identity in Christ, and the fact that I am loved and created by a God who sees and knows my intimately.

I've learned that sometimes God feels present, so close you feel like you could reach out and touch,

And sometimes He feels so far away that you can do nothing but sit and pray for some sort of reminder that He is actually there,

But yet,

He is still there.

I've learned to grow,

I've learned to change,

I've learned that life never looks like you think it's going to,

And sometimes you end up in jobs,

And cities,

And relationships,

That you never saw coming,

But it's in those surprises,

That holds life sweetness.

So as I sit, four years after graduation,

Four years into "real life",

Four years after leaving the place where I sat in a classroom and learned for four amazing years,

I have to think,

That life is about learning,

And if these are only the first four years of "real life",

I can't wait to see what kind of learning the next four years hold.

And David, I'm sorry I never returned your text.

But consider this your answer to your question.

Love List

This morning, I woke up ready to take on the world.

This morning, I woke up full of joy.

This morning, I woke up grateful.

Grateful for 5 AM alarm clocks.

Grateful for freshly made beds.

Grateful for a good long workout.

Grateful for the day ahead.

But suddenly, with one swift look in the mirror, that gratefulness was gone.

Something today, for some reason, just didn't meet my extremely high standards I set for myself.

And the thoughts started to rush through my head-

"You've worked out every day, why are your thighs still that size?"

"Maybe if you hadn't eaten ice cream for dinner two days this week,  you would feel better when you looked in the mirror."

"Time to start that next diet."

Just like that,

With one glance,

My joy,

My gratefulness,

Was gone.

I've recently begun reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp,

An amazingly crafted book about one women's search for joy,

For gratitude,

For thankfulness.

And as I sat reading this morning,

I realized,

How is it that I can find gratefulness for the small things in life,

The freshly made beds,

The long workouts of the worlds,

But yet,

I have such a hard time feeling that same gratefulness for my own body?

How is it that I can see and appreciate God's handiwork in what other's would call mundane,

But when I look in the mirror, I forget what I've preached to my friends,

And my high school girls,

And women in my small group,

Over and over again?

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

You are handcrafted by the same God that aligned the stars,

You were designed by the same God that designed fireflies on warm summer nights,

And the Grand Canyon, in all of it's vast expansive wonder

And that first ray of sun, peeking through the clouds after it's rained for what feels like forever?

When did I forget to learn,

The same thing applies to me?

And when I read this section from One Thousand Gifts, I was reminded,

Reminded and inspired.

""I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little". ( Phillipians 4:11-12)

I read it many times, groping for the latch.

There it is- the secret to living joy in every situation, the full life of gratefulness. Twice Paul whispers it: " I have learned". Learned. I would have to learn gratefulness"".

Somehow, in my weight loss journey,

In my hunt for health,

I forget to step back and learn,

What, no matter what weight I'm at,

Do I love about myself?

What, no matter how many times I get to the gym that week?

Am I grateful for?

What, no matter what the size the tag in my jeans read,

Do I thank God for,

See as His handiwork,

Recognize as fearfully and wonderfully made?

So today, I choose to learn.

In One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp sets out to make a list of 1000 things she is grateful for,

1000 gifts.

Today, as self centered as it may sound,

I choose to learn what I love about myself.

I choose to make a list of things that I love, 

Not about my personality,

Not about my skills,

That would be easy,

That would be safe.

Today, I choose to make a list of things about my body, 

That I love.

That I see as wonderful,

That gives me a sense of gratefulness and awe,

That is scary,

And that is hard,

And gives me a pit in my stomach about actually posting this blog post.

But, I have to choose to learn.

I have to choose to remember.

I have to choose to believe.

That I was designed by the creator of the Universe.

Today I choose to learn,

To continue this list,

To practice gratefulness,

And joy.

Today I choose to learn to love.

I don't have a number of items on the list I want to reach.

I'm not sure it's really about the number.

I think it's more about my heart.

And so, in full honesty,

I choose to share my first five items on my love list.

My first step on my journey,

My choice to learn,

How to truly love.

Love List

1.My dimples,  and how deeply inset they are in my cheeks.

2.My small wrists,  that are, dare I say, dainty.

3. My eyelashes- they rock. Really, they're long and mascara loves them.

4. My legs, strong enough to do 40 burpee box jumps.

5.  My eyebrows, that never have to be filled in.


The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Taste And See

Recently, I've developed a fear.

A fear that is not healthy.

A fear this is not productive.

A fear that is slightly weird.

Recently, I've been afraid of anything that tastes too good.

Weight loss has been a big part of my story,

A big part of my life change,

A big part of my walk with the Lord.

And through this life change,

I've learned to fear anything that tastes too good.

Because anything that tastes too good is full of calories,

And sugar,

And regret.

And so I feel like I live life teetering on the edge,

A tightrope walk.

Give into the cravings enough so that you don't let the cravings overtake you,

Have a cookie,

But make sure it's sugar free.

Enjoy the cake,

But you better stop at one bite.

Because anything that tastes too good,

Will send you spiraling back to the person that you used to be.

And as I sit here today,

I have to look at this fear,

And look at this way of life,

With complete honesty and realize,

What a sad way that is to live.

A life of fear,

A life of teetering,

A life of tightrope walking.

Turning something that is meant to bring joy,

Into something that brings fear.

And I think that sometimes,

I look at a lot of blessings from the Lord in this same way.

What is this new job is too good?

What if this new relationship feels too right?

What if this season of life is just too happy?

What if I give in,

Completely sit in the blessings,

Only to loose my footing,

And wind up in a place of loss,

And longing,

And regret?

But I think the bigger question is this-

What happens if I don't?

What happens if I don't sit and enjoy the blessings,

Take the leap,

Take a bite,

Savor the taste,

Because I'm too busy living in fear of what may happen?

Then I live a life of fear.

A life full of swallowing what may be's,

Instead of a life of tasting the joy,

Tasting the blessings,

Tasting the goodness,

So today, I choose to taste.

I choose to "taste and see that the Lord is good" (Psalm 34:8).

And today tastes like a warm, nutty cup of coffee I sip while I write this very post.

Today tastes like the comfort of life long friends who call just because.

Today tastes like the sweetness of butterflies in your stomach and across the table gazes.

Today tastes like the richness of getting to know a Lord who loves me so dearly He gives me blessings just because.

Blessings that can be free from fear.

Today tastes warm,

Today tastes like comfort.

Today tastes sweet.

Today tastes rich.

Today tastes good.

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 

Psalm 34:8

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Sitting in Sweetness

Today, I'm sitting in sweetness.

A season where life just feels full. 

I have a job I love, a new adventure that as I lay my head down at night, I feel exhausted, and so very fulfilled.

I've gotten to see God answer prayers, prayers that I was almost too exhausted to ask again, prayers that felt impossible, prayers that were answered as God often does;

Effortlessly,

And timely,

And in a personal,

And so very intimate way.

My heart feels full. 

Today I'm smack dab in the middle of a season of sweetness.

But as I looked back at blogposts over the last year, I remembered the moments that led up to this season.

And those were anything but sweet.

They were full of tears,

And frustration,

And confusion,

And changing of plans,

And letting go of dreams.

Those moments were hard to swallow,

And difficult to accept.

Those moments were bitter.

But as I sit here today,

I have to stop and think.

I have to wonder.

Would I recognize the sweetness, if I hadn't felt the bitter?

Would I have seen the prayers answered, 

If I hadn't first prayed those prayers on tear stained journal pages?

Would my heart feel as full right now,

If at one time, it hadn't felt just a little by empty?

So maybe,

In a way,

My prayers aren't being answered in this season of sweetness.

Maybe my prayers were being answered in a season of bitter,

But I just had to come out on the other side to recognize it. 

Maybe the sweetest times aren't when you're sitting in the middle of the sweetness.

Maybe the sweetest times are when you're in the middle of the bitterness, because those times are so very necessary to being able to see the moments of sweetness. 

So maybe in my next season where life feels hard to swallow,

Or hard to accept,

Maybe in the next season where life just looks bitter,

I can sit, 

And wait,

And recognize,

That this might be the sweetest season yet. 

Because it's because of the bitter,

Not in spite of it,

That you'll be able to see the sweet. 

Heard By God

Today, I sit in a place of gratefulness.

A place of complete and utter contentment.

In the middle of the craziness,

In the middle of the busyness,

In the middle of all the new,

I feel so very grateful,

So very known,

So very remembered.

I was reading the story of Hannah,

A woman who longed for a son.

A woman who sat,

Year after year,

And prayed

For a child.

And Hannah, in the middle of her complete and utter despair,

Continued to cry out to the Lord,

Continued to ask for her greatest hearts desire,

Continued to "pour out her soul to The Lord". ( 1st Samuel 1:15).

And the Bible tells us that in the middle of the suffering,

In the middle of the despair,

"The Lord remembered her".

And she was given a son.

Samuel.

And I can only imagine that moment for Hannah.

The moment when she looked down at the baby in her arms,

And saw the culmination of all her prayers,

Of all her tears,

Of all her waiting.

She saw clear and tangible evidence,

That the Lord loved her,

And heard her,

And remembered her.

And today, I feel that same way.

When I first moved, it was hard.

I left my home,

My people,

My comfort,

For something new.

Any many tears,

And moments of emotional eating,

Were involved,

And my constant prayer,

My constant crying out to the Lord was a simple, but large prayer-

"Make this place a home to me."

And this morning,

I saw clear and tangible evidence,

That my prayers,

My crying out,

Was heard.

And they seem small,

But as I look back on them now,

They seem so very personal to me.

When I was at the gym,

I saw two people I knew.

 I got recognized by a barista at Starbucks.

 I have friends that I feel comfortable enough with to invite myself over to their house to dinner tonight.

And as I sit here today,

I realized,

This place,

Is not so new anymore.

This place,

is not so unknown.

This place,

is slowly becoming a home.

And while all of these instances may seem small,

They make me feel so loved,

So heard,

So very remembered,

By the same Lord that heard Hannah's prayers,

And hears yours.

"And the Lord remembered her"

The posts on this site are my own personal opinions. They are not read or approved by Southside Ministries, Inc. prior to posting and do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Southside Ministries, Inc.

Little Hints of Heaven

I don't know a lot of things.

And as I get older, it becomes clearer and clearer that I know less and less then I thought I did.

I'm in no way an expert,

In no way a theologian,

In no way a person that should have any sort of authority over anything in the Bible.

But tonight,

I was thinking about heaven.

What will it be like?

What does God say about it?

Why is it that people talk about this place they've never been with such assuredness,

Such hope,

When really, we have no idea?

The bible doesn't say that much about it,

Doesn't give many details.

But, I think part of the mystique of heaven is that we really have no idea.

That we have faith in knowing that whatever is before us,

Is better then what we left behind.

But I also think that God knows that we are impatient people,

Nosy,

And anxious,

To see what's ahead.

And tonight, I had a moment.

It was brief,

And simple,

And to the outside world, would have appeared as nothing quite special.

But tonight, I think I got my own personal taste of what heaven will be like.

I think at times,

We get hints.

Little glimpses of heaven here on Earth.

A piece of perfect.

A moment of stillness.

A brief and utter confidence that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

And I don't think these glimpses,

Theses pieces.

These moments,

Look the same to everyone.

Honestly, I think it would be boring if they did.

And I believe that the God that loves me abundantly,

Is also one of abundant creativity,

And abundant surprises,

Wouldn't give me a hint of His creative love,

With anything less then something innately personal to me.

And I find such joy in that.

And excitement,

To look for those little glimpses of heaven,

The pieces,

The moments where I so personally feel God's love,

That it can't be anything but.

The glimpses,

The pieces,

The moments,

That I know are meant just for me.

The glimpses,

The pieces,

The moments,

Where everything just feels,

Right,

Perfect,

Heavenly.

And that gives me hope.

Hope not just for the future,

And the mystical, perfect place that lies ahead.

But hope for the right now,

Hope for my current season,

Hope for my current struggles,

Hope for whatever I happen to be walking through,

Hope knowing that I serve a God that loves me enough,

To send me little hints of heaven.