A Gate Called Beautiful

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about how I choose to look at my life.

Recently, I've been in a bit of a funk.

I've been choosing to see the negative.

I've been choosing to see the hard.

I've been choosing to see what doesn't seem fair.

And most days, it doesn't even feel like I'm choosing to see the negative,

Or the hard,

Or the unfair. 

Most days, it seems like that's all there is to see.

Everyday, it seems like the struggles are always the same.

And when the struggles are the same,

day after day,

Sometimes it just seems like these things are destined to be your burdens,

Your struggles,

Your insecurities.

And we just have to accept them,

And move on.

But today, I was reading a story in Acts that showed me that sometimes, when it comes to those struggles,

Those burdens,

Those insecurities,

We're just not looking at the right place.

Jesus had just been taken back to heaven.

And all the disciples were continuing to preach his gospel, build his church, and perform miracles.

And let me tell you, this new church was hopping.

And one day Peter and John were going to the temple to pray, when they saw a lame man sitting next to the temple gate called Beautiful.

He was carried and placed at this gate everyday, to beg from those going into the temple courts.

When Peter and John walked by, this man asked them for money.

And Peter responded with a few simple words:

"Look up at us".

This man, who sat at the temple gate called Beautiful everyday was so downtrodden, he no longer bothered to look up at the people passing by.

He simply looked down,

Down at his withered legs,

Down at his struggles,

Down at his burdens,

Down at his insecurities.

He looked down and only saw what held him back.

And it was when he choose to look up at Peter and John,

And take the hand of a man proclaiming the name of Jesus Christ,

That he was finally able to stand.

His ankles became strong.

And he was able to walk,

"He began walking and jumping and praising God" ( Acts 3:8)

But this was only able to happen because he choose to look away from his struggles,

His burdens,

His insecurities, 

And look up,

And see the potential that lived just beyond the gate called Beautiful, if he was simply able to have faith,

And believe that there was life,

And a God,

That was so much bigger then his struggles,

His burdens,

His insecurities.

This morning, I want to choose to walk away from my gate called Beautiful.

I want to look down at my withered legs,

My struggles,

My burdens, 

And insecurities,

And make a choice.

A choice to believe that these struggles don't define me,

A choice to believe that these burdens can be shed,

A choice to believe that even with these insecurities I can still look up,  

And see a God that has much bigger plans for me,

Plans that live just beyond this gate called Beautiful I have chosen to sit at everyday.

Plans that don't focus on what I can't do,

But plans that focus on what He can.

Plans that don't focus on where I'm weak,

But plans that focus on how in my weakness He can make me strong.

Plans that don't focus on the mistakes of my past,

But plans that focus on the glorious future that He desires for me.

All I need to do is look away from my withered legs 

Knowing that my struggles,

And burdens,

And insecurities,

Are big,

But that I serve a God that is so much bigger.

That desires so much more for me then a gate called Beautiful.

A Letter From Me

Recently, I've had the blessing to be a part of a group of women who meet every other week to talk about where we want to be in five years, and how in the world were going to get there.

Honestly, when we first began, the task was daunting.

I have no idea what my big goals are for five years- I don't know what I'm having for lunch tomorrow yet.

I don't know what my big dreams are- because dreaming big seems so scary.

So when we were tasked to write a letter to a friend as if it were ten years from today, and write it assuming that everything has gone to our dreams and plans, I was a bit skeptical.

But as I sat down to write tonight, I was so encouraged by the picture that was painted in my mind that I just had to share and ask the question to you- if you had to write a letter to your best friend in ten years, what would you want it to say? And, how are you going to get there?

This is my letter. I'm sorry about the length- I guess I just have a lot of big dreams.

                                            3.25.24

Dear friend,

Wow. 35. When did that happen? How did the last ten years just fly by? I shudder to believe that we are just five years from 40. Everything about that idea is frightening. And as much as the idea of being alive for four decades makes me want to vomit, I look back at the past ten years and only feel one thing- grateful. 

I am grateful for my husband. I'm grateful that I waited for The Lord to surprise me. I'm grateful that I never gave up praying for him, because it made the moment when we were standing in front of our friends and family and I could say wholeheartedly " I prayed for you everyday" that much sweeter. I'm grateful I chose a man that keeps me laughing. I'm grateful that I chose a man that runs after The Lord. I'm grateful I chose a man that continues to pursue me, even when I'm at my most unloveable. I'm grateful that I chose a man, and didn't just take the first one that walked by because I was feeling lonely or insecure. I'm grateful  I chose this man.

And as grateful as I am for this man, I'm also grateful for those years I spent without him. I'm grateful for the friendships I was able to develop, the skills I was able to learn, the places I was able to see, and most importantly, how that time required me to rely on God; how those years taught me to be a strong disciple of Jesus so when I finally did say " I do" I could stand in front of my husband, full and complete, made whole not by his presence, but by the presence of The Lord that drew us together. I'm grateful not a second of those years were wasted.

I'm grateful for our house- not because of it's size or how many fine things fill it's walls. I'm grateful for this house because it has been so full. Full of high school girls, sharing their secrets and their heart aches, full of college students needing a couch and a home cooked meal, full of our small groups that forced us to look at our relationship with God in a different way, full of friends and family  who made this city, and this house a home. I'm grateful because this house is full of laughter and snuggles and late night ice cream runs, and hours spent together. This house , our home, is full of memories, and the promise of so many more.

I'm grateful that life has constantly been an adventure. From worldwide travels to cross state road trips, and even just spontaneous karaoke date nights, I'm grateful that life has never been boring. And now, as we begin this adventure into the foster care world, I'm grateful for the change that adventure can bring.

And dear friend, what I'm most grateful for, over ever other amazing blessing in my life, is the fact that I have come to better understand the face and the personality of Jesus. I've begun to know the man that walked the same Earth as we do in such an intimate and close way that I'm able to call him friend. I've laughed with him, cried with him and through the giggles and through the weeping, I've begun to see myself as he sees me- funny, and beautiful, and full of

promise and purpose. I'm so grateful that I was able to begin to recognize what He sees when He looks at me.

So, 40 may be scary. And time might be rushing by faster day by day. But I have to take a step back, look around, and see how much I have to be grateful for.

Love,

Katie 

Chiqutio

I just got back from my first mission trip.

I got the joy of spending a week, leading a group of 22 amazing college students to a tiny village in the island of the Dominican Republic.

Batey Chiqutio.

Little Batey.

And as I was praying for this trip,

Praying for the students on the trip,

Praying for the people we were soon to meet,

My prayer was the same.

Lord, use this week to increase our faith.

And now that the trip is over,

And I've began to transition back into every day life,

The question has been asked-

What was your biggest take away from this trip?

How did the Lord work in your life in those seven days?

What did you learn in that amazing week spent among the people of Batey Chiquito?

And I don't know if it's because of the lack of sleep,

Or the withdrawal from the power of the Dominican coffee,

But those questions have left me stumped.

What was my biggest take away?

How did the Lord work in my life?

What did I learn among the people of Batey Chiquito?

And at first, I had to fight against guilt.

Did I really just go on a mission trip, and not have the some big, life changing moment?

Did I really just have one of the best weeks of my life and not learn anything?

Did the Lord really hear my prayer?

But as I've been praying, and thinking about those seven days, I've discovered that I've had a lot of takeaways,

That the Lord worked in my heart,

And that I learned,

But not in big, earth shattering moments.

In the small, in the simple, in the quiet moments.

I learned that a game of duck duck goose ( or pato pato ganso) can be fun in any language.

I learned that sometimes, sitting together on a bench outside, while all the wild chickens and goats run around your feet,  can be spent in silence, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I learned that the most generosity can come from those that have the least.

I learned that true worship doesn't have to come in a big church, but can be best felt when you're sitting in a plastic chair, on a patch of dirt, with a child sitting in your lap, and although you're singing in different languages, you know you're praising the same Lord.

I learned that true fellowship can come over massive amount of yuca.

I learned that the sweetest times of prayer can be spent walking down a dirt road.

I learned that you can learn more from the group that you're supposed to be leading then you actually teach.

I learned what true joy looks like, as well as true grief.

I learned what it truly means to have faith like a child,

To thank the Lord for your daily bread, ( or rice and beans)

And not focus on the worries of tomorrow.

So, maybe I didn't have any one life changing moment.

But I think I prefer the small moments.

I think I like the simple.

I think I like the quiet,

Because that's where your faith really starts to grow.

When you force yourself to stop,

And listen,

And hear how the Lord is working.

And hear how the Lord is moving.

And hear what you're supposed to be learning.

In the sounds of the scurrying of wild chickens and goats

In the sounds of children's laughter,

In the sounds of conversations peppered in English and Spanish, friendships started over a strong cup of coffee.

That's my biggest takeaway.

That's how the Lord worked in my heart.

That's what I choose to learn.

That sometimes, life changing moments don't have to be big.

Sometimes, life changing moments can be small.

Sometimes life changing moments can be chiquito.

The Waiting Game

I'm not very good at waiting.

Honestly, there are few things I hate more.

Going to the bank on my lunch hour makes me cringe, because I know how many people will be standing in that line.

Traffic stresses me out- which I'm pretty sure is one of the main reasons I moved out of Atlanta.

And I know I grow several grey hairs and overwork my gmail account by constantly checking my email after any kind of interview.

To me, waiting equals time lost.

Waiting is a punishment.

And so often, when it comes to the waiting we have to do in our life,

Waiting to meet that special someone,

Waiting to get that right job,

Waiting to have that child,

I think we view it as a a waste of precious time,

A punishment from the Lord.

I know I've often looked at my singleness through this lens.

"Think about all the memories we already could have shared if we had been that couple that met in high school,

Or college."

"Think about all those years that will be wasted, years not spent together."

And often, that kind of thinking starts to taint my picture of God,

And my understanding of His Love.

So, today, as I was reading a story in the Bible I've read so many times before,

One simple word caused me to step back,

And try and really see what God might be doing in this waiting.

Many of you have heard the story of Lazarus.

Lazarus, who was the brother of Mary and Martha was one of Jesus' best friends.

The Bible actually refers to Lazarus at "the one who Jesus loves".

Jesus had dined with Mary, Martha and Lazarus,

Rested with them,

Probably spent hours sitting around a table, talking and laughing.

So when Lazarus got deathly ill, Mary and Martha thought to send word to Jesus.

"Jesus, the one you love is sick".

And  when Jesus heard this He responded,

"This sickness will not end in death. No it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it".

And so Jesus stayed where He was.

He stayed put for two days.

And Lazarus died.

And, of course, Jesus returned to Lazarus' home and raised him from the dead shortly there after.

But if you were to just look at this first part of the story, it would be really easy to look at Jesus as heartless.

Why, when He could have saved Lazarus, did he wait and allow him to die?

Why did he cause Lazarus to suffer?

Why did he allow Mary and Martha to grieve for their only brother?

It sounds horribly cruel, unless you take the time to really look at two verses.

Really, one word in these two verses.

"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was for two more days."

So.

That one little word changed the way I looked at this story, and the way I choose to look at my life.

Jesus' waiting was not a response of punishment.

No, Jesus' waiting was a response of love.

A response of knowing that what they were going to see,

What they were going to experience,

Would be so much greater then what they could even imagine.

Sure, He could have ran to Lazarus and healed him before He died.

But He was giving Lazarus, and Mary and Martha,

The chance to play an even bigger part in this story,

A chance to witness one of the greatest miracles He ever would perform.

A chance to really see, and experience the saving grace of Jesus.

So today, I'm choosing to look at the waiting in my life as the same.

A response of love.

A response of knowing that what I am going to see,

What I am going to experience,

Is so much greater then what I could have ever imagined.

That this time of waiting,

And anytime of waiting from here on out,

Is a response of love,

And a chance to really see,

And really experience,

The saving grace of Jesus.

The Simple Things

I'm a girl that has an appreciation for the simple things.

Fountain Diet Cokes make my day.

I squeal from excitement over a good Subway sandwich.

My dream date would consist of going to a car wash and getting the upgraded wash, with all the different colored waxes and hub cap shine.

But my most simple recent obsession has come in the form of a powder.

Powdered peanut butter, to be exact.

PB2 is a powdered peanut butter, that is simply dried and crushed peanuts, that has 85% less fat then regular peanut butter.

And all you have to do is add water.

Put  two tablespoons of PB2 in a bowl,

Add one tablespoon of water,

Stir,

And you have creamy, delicious, healthy peanut butter.

It's so simple,

Add water and stir,

And you're done.

Sometimes, I think I look at my relationship with God,

And the way He answers my prayers,

Like I look at PB2.

I should only have to do is pray about it,

And the work will be done.

Add water and stir.

Most recently, I've been praying that God will increase my faith.

Increase my faith in His love,

Increase my faith in His ability,

Increase my faith in His plan for my life.

And I'm not sure why, but somehow, in the midst of these prayers, I think I expected to just wake up one day and discover-

"Wow, overnight my faith has grown! I have doubts no more".

But instead,  God put me in situations that forced me to take a step back and think-

Am I really going to trust God in this?

How much do I believe?

And am I willing to wait and see how He is going to work?

I expected add water and stir peanut butter,

But instead, I got something much more complicated.

I discovered, that most of the time, God isn't just going to give us faith,

Or patience,

Or strength,

He's going to put us in messy,

And hard,

And complicated situations that require us to grow our faith,

And our patience,

And our strength.

And it's through this process that we become true followers,

Not just blind believers.

So tonight,

As I head downstairs to make my PB2 sandwich for lunch tomorrow,

I am grateful for the work,

And the tough situations,

And the messy circumstances.

Tonight, I choose to be grateful for the complicated,

Because it's the complicated that will in turn grow my faith.

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything

Love Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Valentine's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays.

Which is funny, because for most of my life, I haven't technically had a valentine.

I think I just enjoy that there is a holiday entirely devoted to love,

Entirely devoted to showing that special someone in your life that you care about them,

And entirely devoted to the purchasing, and eating, of chocolate.

I've always been a sucker for Valentine's Day.

But as last Valentine's Day came and went,

And I was single, yet again,

I made a pact,

A promise to myself,

A goal that I wanted to achieve.

"Next year, by Valentine's Day, I'm going to fall in love".

Which, when you think about it, is kind of a crazy goal.

How am I going to force myself to fall in love?

How am I going to control the universe and fulfill this pact with myself that when February 14th comes again, I will have someone to share it with.

And even though I recognize how ridiculous it sounds,

I think you would be hard pressed to find a woman who hasn't made a statement that sounds something a little like it

"By next Christmas I won't be single".

"When I turn 30, I'll have someone to share my birthday with".

"Next New Years Eve, I'll have someone to kiss at midnight".

And I guess I could look at the fact that I sit here on Valentine's Day, single,

And that I haven't fallen in love with the man of my dreams in the last 365 days,

And be upset,

And sad,

And drown my sorrows in the candy that will certainly be 50% off at CVS in the morning.

But, tonight, as I sit in my room,  I've looked back on the past year and realized-

I have fallen in love.

I've fallen in love time and time again.

I've fallen in love with a city, that has become so much more then a college town to me - it's become my home.

I've fallen in love with a two groups of women, who began as strangers, sitting awkwardly around a table, and became some of my closest friends, my partners in crime, the people that I turn to when I need a laugh or a hug.

I've fallen in love with skinny vanilla lattes.

I've fallen in love with my boxing class, and how it feels to have a really good sweat after a really hard workout.

I've fallen in love with a job that I walk into smiling, and leave smiling.

I've fallen in love with a group of co-workers, my "girl power" who have allowed me to open up my heart and share life with.

I've fallen in love with Cookout Milkshakes, so much so that I have to limit myself to them once a month.

I've fallen in love with being an aunt, and the gorgeous nephew that made that possible.

I've fallen in love with Saturdays in Athens.

I've fallen in love with a group of six year old cheerleaders that taught me way more then I ever could have taught them.

I've fallen in love with a group of high school freshman, who constantly keep me on my toes.

And most importantly, I've continued to fall in love with a God who loves me so perfectly, that all of these amazing blessings I just stated could only be a reflection of that love.

And yes,

I may not have an official "Valentine" tonight.

But I can say, with confidence, that I kept the promise I made to myself 365 days ago.

I'm Stepping Off The Boat

Today, I was thinking about how we judge our own worth.

How we judge our own significance.

How we judge, at the end of the day, if we just really measure up.

If we’re good enough.

If we’re worth it.

I think that everyone struggles with this idea,

But, I know as a woman, it’s something I deal with everyday.

If I don’t have a boyfriend, there must be something wrong with me.

If I don’t fit into those pants, I’m eating too much.

If I don’t have enough lines on my resume, I’m not working hard enough.

And some nights, when I lay down my head, the question arises-

“Am I enough?”

Am I good enough?

Smart enough?

Pretty enough?

And sometimes, I don’t know where to turn my eyes to find the answer to that question.

I know, the correct, Christian, “Sunday school answer” would be to simply look to the Lord,

Our worth is defined by his sheer, unadulterated love for us.

Our worth is defined by the cross.

And I believe that.

I really do.

But sometimes, it’s so easy to forget.

And sometimes, it’s easy to think that this struggle,

This struggle to define and solidify my worth, is something that only I have a problem with.

But this morning, this story about Peter showed me, and reminded me, that not only am I not the only one that needs reminding,

That even those that walked alongside Jesus doubted their worth,

And even when they were looking Jesus in the face, had a hard time believing that they were enough.

Here’s a little synopsis.

Jesus’ disciples were out on a boat, in the middle of a lake, in the middle of the night, and there was a storm.

Jesus, who had gone off praying by himself, was watching this whole scene go down, and so he decided to seize the opportunity, and walked out to the boat.

Literally, walk on the water, out to the boat,

Of course, the disciples were a little freaked out.

And Peter needed a little proof that Jesus was Jesus, and not some freaky, water walking ghost.

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Peter took his eyes off of Jesus for a moment, to look at all of the waves crashing around him and he forgot, that with Jesus, he was enough.

He forgot, that with Jesus he was worth it.

He forgot, that with Jesus, walking on water was not an impossible feat.

And so many times, I’m like Peter,

I look from side to side at what the world is telling me gives me worth,

And  I forget to look straight ahead at the one who calls my name every morning,

I look from side to side and allow myself to believe that I don’t measure up,

That I’m not worth it,

That I’m not enough,

Instead of looking straight ahead and remembering that my worth isn’t found in my relationship status,

Or my pant size,

Or the lines on my resume,

I choose to let those waves crash,

And the winds blow,

And get caught up in those lies.

So today, I find comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who has a hard time always remembering that when I look ahead,

Step out of the boat,

And take the hand of the Lord through which grace is offered,

That this is where true worth is found.