Something Greater

Today I'm just tired.

And it could come from the fact that I just went on a whirlwind 24 hour Disney trip,

But that's not the case.

Sure. I'm physically tired.

But my heart is what feels the most exhausted.

Exhausted because right now, life doesn't look like I thought it would.

Right now, life feels like a series of never ending questions.

Right now, life just feels like I'm stuck in the waiting.

And sometimes, the waiting can just be exhausting.

I'm not sure what I thought that life would look like, but it isn't this.

And I don't think I'm alone in this.

I'm not naive enough to think that life played out the way that the rest of the world thought it would.

But I have to wonder- how do you sit in rest,

How do you sit in contentment,

When you're just not content in the season of life that you're sitting right in the middle of?

How do you allow your heart to dream,

But be completely ok that those dreams seem to never come true?

And why does life feel like it always is work?

I don't know if you've ever read the story of Sarah,

But today, I feel like her story is my story, in so many words.

All Sarah wanted was a child.

And she waited, and waited and waited.

And I can only imagine how she felt.

Ashamed that she could not do the thing that she was borne to do.

Envious of her friends as she watched them play with their babies,

And grandbabies.

And having to time and time again mourn the loss of the life that she thought she would have.

I'm sure those feelings were draining.

I'm sure her heart was exhausted.

And at her lowest of low, probably when it seemed like she could take the waiting no more,

She took her story out of God's hands,

And into her own.

She convinced her husband Abraham to go sleep with a servant Hagar so that he could have a son.

And when she got her wish,

When Hagar became pregnant,

She was angry,

And cynical,

Because this life she made for herself was not what she wanted either.

And it wasn't until she stopped trying,

And turned to The Lord,

The Lord that she finally recognized was a Lord that saw her waiting,

Saw her shame, 

Saw her envy,

Saw her sorrow,

That life became something worth waiting for,

And her dream finally came true.

Right now, I think I'm in the period of waiting,

The period of mourning the life that I thought would be.

But here's where Sarah and my story differs.

I don't want to have to take my life into my own hands to figure out that God's plan is better.

I want to learn to trust in this season,

Even though its one I'd prefer not to be in.

I want to learn to be able to find rest, no matter how restless I may feel.

I want to learn to find contentment, no matter how discontent I am with my circumstances.

And maybe, I have to sit through this season so that I could recognize that even when life isn't what I think it should be,

That God always is.

Maybe I'm waiting,

And tired,

And mourning my own personal dreams,

To allow The Lord to make room in my heart for his plans,

His dreams,

His desires for my life.

Maybe this season isn't a season to watch all the dreams I had for my life never come true,

Maybe it's a time to dream new dreams,

Bigger dreams,

God sized dreams,

And I have to get rid of those other ones,

To make room for something greater.

Maybe we have to be tired,

So we can fully know how to rest.