A State of Anticipation

Christmas Eve used to be the night I looked forward to the most.

It would always start, and end, the same way.

With anticipation.

I would get dressed, put a bow in my bowl cut hair with anticipation of the night to come.

I would sit next to my family in the pews of the church that I grew up in with anticipation of singing Silent Night by candlelight, hoping I was finally old enough to hold a candle by myself.

I would pick at my food at dinner, anticipating what cookies we were going to leave for Santa and how many carrots Rudolph would eat that year.

I would put on my pajamas, snuggle up in my bed, and strain my ears for as long as I could keep my eyelids open, anticipating I would hear just one jingle bell or the thumps of boots atop my roof.

I anticipated because I knew, when I woke up the next morning, opened my stocking, and took the long walk down our steps, that the anticipation would pay off.

Gifts would be waiting, selected by Santa specifically for me.

I knew and believed without a shadow of a doubt that when my socked feet ran down the hallway, all the anticipation would be worth it.

Right now, I feel like I'm living in that same sense of anticipation.

There's been a stirring in my heart, movement in my life, but every time I sit down, ready to hear what The Lord has to say to me, I hear nothing.

I'm ready to listen, but I'm not sure The Lord is ready to speak.

And sometimes, that silence can be frustrating.

Sometimes that silence can make me want to throw my hands up in the air, close my bible, and spend my time at Starbucks surfing their free, very slow internet and looking for recipes that I will never actually make on Pinterest.

But still, I sit.

And I wait. 

And I listen.

 

Because even in this silence, I have faith that God is working.

Even in this silence, I believe He is the one stirring my heart.

And in this time of waiting, I'm trying to learn a sense of holy anticipation.

Even though I can't see the fruit of the work in front of my own eyes, I know there is work being done.

Even though there is silence, there are still words to be said.

And even though I always want to be the one to do the talking, I choose to sit and wait.

And listen.

And live in this state of anticipation.

A state of holy anticipation, for the great works and great gifts being selected specifically for me. 

"I wait for The Lord, my whole being waits, and on his word I put my hope". -Psalm 130:5