Fear Is Not An Option

I have a problem with failure.

Actually, I have more then a problem with failure.

 I hate failure.

And I think it all stems back to my failed attempts and several different sports through my childhood.

Gymnastics?

Front rolled into a wall. Never came back into the class.

Dance?

Total lack of coordination put a damper on my tap dancing routines.

Horseback riding?

Have you ever seen a fat child in riding pants? Not a pretty picture. And those helmets never fit my head properly.

Softball?

Which attempt? When I played as a child,picking flowers in the outfield wasn't all it cracked up to be.

When I played as an adult, I was benched in a rec league.

No one gets benched in a rec league.

But I somehow managed to.

And after every failure, after every strike out, after every ugly turn, I felt one thing.

Sadness.

Disappointment.

And I hated feeling like that.

I hated feeling like I had no control over what I was doing in my life.

So I started to make plans.

And do things I knew I would succeed at.

And attempt things that were safe and feasible.

Even now, when I feel like my faith has grown so immensely, God puts me in situations that makes me face some really hard facts.

And the hard fact is that I'm scared.

I am scared of failure.

I'm scared of the unknown.

And, to be completely transparent, I'm scared of  what the Lord might have planned for me.

I'm scared that it won't fit into my plans.

I'm scared that I won't succeed.

I'm scared they'll take me somewhere I do not want to go.

I am scared.

That's the long and short of it.

And I have been battling that the past few days.

And today, my daily devotion spoke right to that fear.

Actually, God kind of slapped me in the face with it.

It is a verse that I've heard a million times.

But, it's one that I needed to hear a million and one times today.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

At the end of the day, I serve a God that watches over everything on this Earth.

And He values me.

And loves me.

And my fear is the equivalent of looking that same great God in the face and saying,

You don't know what you're doing.

You don't have my best interest at heart.

You may not do what you promised.

Basically, I'm calling God a liar.

Yeah, I said it.

And that's hard for me to admit.

It's hard for me to own up to the fact that I think those facts about the God I say I follow wholeheartedly,

But I still, struggle with putting my plans aside and accepting the ultimate truth.

That my God is not a liar.

He is a provider.

And a father.

And a caregiver.

And His plans are the ones I can put my hope in.

Even if they don't match up with my own personal desires.

And that will be hard to handle.

And I'll probably shed a few tears.

But, at the end of the day, if I know that God considers me valuable,

Won't His plans be the best that He can provide for me?

And even if I do fail,

And even if I do cry,

And even if I have to move to a city I despise,

God doesn't look at me as a failure.

He looks at me of something of value.

Someone He loves.

And someone He will continue to provide for.